“MASH: Mission Accomplished”

Fan Fiction

Written by

 

 Antonio J. Hopson

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

""MASH: MISSION ACOMPLISHED"

FADE IN:

EXT. BAGDAD – DAY

 

An army jeep moves through the streets of Bagdad. Close up shots of the jeep’s frame, of the tires crashing over trash and pot holes. A voiceover of a news reporter about Operation Desert storm is playing in the background. It is a narrative about the war, a year after the president has declared “Mission Accomplished”. New casualties are coming in and the armed forces need a revised plan on how to support the growing numbers of wounded soldiers.  The camera finds the grill of the jeep. In the front of the jeep are two MP’s and in the backseat is a major (MAJOR BURNS). The Major has a very pissed-off look on his face. Jeep speeds past a sign that reads “Officer’s Club: Bagdad” painted haphazardly on a smashed board hanging over the entrance to a swanky palace. The jeep stops and kicks up dust into the camera. The MP’s exit, but the Major has already stormed passed them.

 

INT. SWANKY PLALACE MIDDLE EASTERN DESIGN - DAY

The Major enters a room filled with army personnel relaxing in uniform. Some are in the pool. Some are in lounge chairs.

 

 

MP#1

Ten hut!

 

The men fall in line. One man tries to stand at attention in the pool. He treads water while saluting with one hand.

 

MAJOR BURNS

(Smells the room) I want me some ass, sergeant.

 

MP#1

Yes, Sir.

 

BURNS

I want me some ass. 

 

MP#1

Yes, Sir. You will have some ass today, sir.

 

BURNS

I want ass!

 

MP#1

There is plenty of ass here, Major.

 

BURNS

No, I don’t want just any ass, sergeant. (Looking around the room.) I specifically want the ass of the man who was out side of the Green Zone at 23 Hundred hours —-perusing with a particular associate of Colonel Blake. I want HIS ass, sergeant and his ass alone.  

 

The camera pans across the many faces in the room. All of them terrified or confused. The man in the pool is spitting out water trying to stay afloat.

 

MP#1

You heard the Major. He wants the ass of the man who violated orders last night and departed the green zone. That man is to step forward.

 

Camera cuts to faces of men. No one steps forward. There is one man, an African American man, late 30’s in sun glasses, Groucho Marx mustache, a Hawaiian print shirt and straw cowboy hat (HAWKEYE). He is standing at attention. The Major steps up to him, tries to see the man trough his disguise.

 

BURNS

Serial Number, 17677899, Captain, doctor attached to the 3rd Armored Division, 2003, Dessert Storm. Here is the ass I am looking for. Benjamin Franklin Peirce.

 

HAWKEYE 

Call me Hawkeye.

 

The MPs haul Hawkeye off forcibly. Camera sees a shot of their feet as they pass the man in the pool who is still saluting as he slips under the water, blowing bubbles as he sinks. 

 

INT. BOTTOM OF MURKY LAKE - DAY.

 

BEGIN OPENING TITLES  

At the surface, a splash is seen and then a golf ball drifts by. Another splashes in. The camera follows it down to a lake bottom with hundreds of golf balls. A figure appears (COLONEL POTTER), in scuba mask and snorkel. The man is collecting golf balls and putting them in a basket.  Soon, above him, another figure looms above making a shadow on the camera.

 

END OPENING TITLES

EXT. Driving range of a GOLF COURSE – DAY. 

 

Hawkeye exits a water hazard with a basket of balls he has just collected. He has a beard now and is nearly hit by one as the man dressed in military formals greets him with a towel (COLONEL POTTER). Around him are other military types playing golf and MPs watching over prisoners mowing the lawn, trimming trees, ect.

SUPERIMPOSE: A Month Later. Army Regional Confinement Facility, Fort Lewis, Washington

 

COLONEL POTTER

So this is how they punish men in the brig theses days?

 

 

             HAWKEYE

Colonel Potter, Sir.

 

             COL. POTTER

Don’t salute, son. I know you won’t mean it.

 

HAWKEYE

Are you kidding? You’re the only brass that would spank me if I didn’t.

 

COL. POTTER

Damn right —not for insubordination, but for playing around with your CO’s secretary! You horse’s ass.

 

HAWKEYE

Is that what they call secretaries these days —lady friends?

 

COL. POTTER

Fine, mistress, then.

 

HAWKEYE

She had no ring on her finger.

 

COL. POTTER

Everyone in the 3rd Division knew that Lt. O’macy was Blake’s girl, and you had to play footsy with the only one in town that could get your ass put in a sling.

 

HAWKEYE

(Laugh’s) Sir, do you know what the Iraqi’s will do to us if we play footsy with their women? I’d sooner take my chances with Henry’s lady friend.

 

Colonel Potter stops walking.

 

 

COL. POTTER

That’s just it with you, Ben. You laugh at things you’re not supposed to be laughing at.  Every since you were a boy —you’re father and I have watched you play instead of using that god giving talent of yours to do something useful with your life.

 

Hawkeye

Colonel, I’m a doctor.

 

Colonel Potter

That’s right, son. You should be saving lives, not fishing for goddamned golf balls like a shit-eating-bottom feeder. When are you gon’na stop laughing and start leading?

 

HAWKEYE

I only laugh because I recognize what’s absurd in life.

 

HAWKEYE dumps a basket of balls into a contraption that sorts them.

 

COL. POTTER

Horse hockey!

 

HAWKEYE

I didn’t ask to get sent home.

 

COL. POTTER

You didn’t protest either, did you?

 

HAWKEYE

What, me, protest?

 

Hawkeye stops, catches a nearby sound and makes an annoyed face. An engine backfires. He hurries to an idling motor cycle with an MP saddling it.

 

HAWKEYE

Wait —wait —wait. Turn the throttle slowly, that’s it. That’s it. (He adjusts a lever on the engine, fiddles with some wires.)

 

CUT TO: Extreme zoom, into carburetor of motorcycle.  

 

HAWKEYE

(V.O) The float bowl is coated with crud. Like plague in your grand pa’s artery. You’ve been giving her too rich a mixture, haven’t you?

 

cut to: wide angle, back outside.

 

   HAWKEYE

             (Continued)

The carburetor is plugged, choking her up. Get her a tune up, stat! Send me the bill. What I did will only keep her from backfiring, so do it soon before you lock up a camshaft.

 

MP#2

Thanks Hawkeye.

 

HAWKEYE

You Bet.

 

COL. POTTER

Well guess what? Smart ass. You’re back in..

 

Hawkeye stops smiling.

 

HAWKEYE

Sir?

 

COL. POTTER

That’s right. You’re father’s in a tough race back home. He doesn’t need a scandal. There are too few senators with sons and daughters who serve their country. We all know he’s one of the few good men with a little pull with the president. It would be an injustice if he couldn’t serve because of your screw ups.  So headquarters is shipping in a new MASH unit, out of QATAR. You’ll be in Bagdad in three days.

 

HAWKEYE

That’s absurd.

 

COL. POTTER

Then why aren’t you laughing?

 

HAWKEYE

The absurd is only funny when you are not the one being absurded upon. 

 

COL. POTTER

Congratulations. That’s the most grown up thing I’ve ever heard you say.

 

EXT. QATAR - HOTEL ROOM – DAY

 

Hawkeye is sitting at a computer, typing. A message appears on the screen from someone named “htlipps93”.  The message reads: “How did you sleep last night?”

 

HAWKEYE

(Reads aloud as he types.)

I’m doing all right, thank you.

 

MESSAGE APPEARS ON SCREEN:

You in Qatar?

 

HAWKEYE

Why yes I am. . . and you?

 

MESSAGE:

Yes. U sure UR not married?

 

HAWKEYE

Just a sec, let me ask my wife.

 

MESSAGE

Very funny . . . 7 o’clock then?

 

HAWKEYE

I’ll be there. I’m the tall dark stranger with the Grouch Marx mustache. You can’t miss me.

 

In his underwear, shirt and tie, Hawkeye dances around the room with a comb under his nose like a mustache. He goes back to the computer.

 

HAWKEYE

Wait . . . how will I know it’s you?

 

MESSAGE:

Easy. Find the hottest lips in the bar.

 

 

INT. Hotel - BAR - NIGHT

 

 

A Band is playing a “Muzak” version of “The Theme to MASH”. Hawkeye sits alone in the bar eyeing the mouth of every female. He sits down next to one and smoothly introduces himself, but after he sees her paper thin lips he excuses himself. He looks around, checks his watch; it reads 7:20. After fidgeting, he sees a wonderful set of lips. They belong to a woman in her late 30’s (HOULIHAN) who is talking to another woman in an army uniform, also in her late 30’s (TRAPPER).  Hawkeye gathers himself and moves to interrupt them.

 

HAWKEYE

Excuse me, (whispers) hot lips?

 

HOULIHAN

I beg your pardon?

 

HAWKEYE

I’m sorry. . . but you never told me your name.

 

TRAPPER

Hey sailor, the port is that way.

 

HAWKEYE

I’m so sorry . . . but, this can’t be a mistake. I have a date with someone who supposedly has amazing lips. And it can’t be a coincident —your lips plus this. I believe have a date.

 

HOULIHAN

Well, I’m sorry, but you have the wrong pair of lips.

 

HAWKEYE

Not in a million years . . . I mean, look at those things. They look like they were painted on your face by Michelangelo. They’re like the pillows in my room, but wetter.

 

TRAPPER

Charming. It’s been a long trip out at sea, has it sailor? You better ship out.

 

             HAWKEYE

No really . . . it has to be you.

 

             HOULIHAN

Well, I’m flattered. But as you can see, I’m here with a friend.

 

HAWKEYE

Oh, I see.

 

             HOULIHAN

We’re here on official business.

 

Trapper

Yeah, leave us working girls alone.

 

HAWKEYE

Well, how much does it cost for working girls to be my friend?

 

TRAPPER 

That’s it —buddy.

 

Trapper takes Hawkeye by the back of his jacket and tosses him out the lobby door. On his way, Hawkeye grabs a martini off a table and an olive from a customer’s glass and tries to drink it.  Trapper ushers him out the door.  Outside, Hawkeye see’s an old motorcycle with a rider and starts fiddling with the engine.

 

HAWKEYE

Sounds like you need a tune up.

 

 

INT. HOTEL ROOM – bathroom - Night

 

cut to: black Screen

 

Bathroom lights illuminate a mirror. Hawkeye is brushing his teeth. He makes funny faces, puts a comb to his nose and does a quick Groucho Marx impression, then he stops smiling and the expression on his face becomes very, very serious. Finally, he starts to laugh maniacally. 

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

 

Hawkeye is watching a show about motorcycles in the dark and it cuts to an obnoxious commercial. He changes the channel to a TV news report. It is a story about road side bombs and the worsening conditions in Bagdad. The Reporter’s name on the screen is ASHLEY NIMITZ.

 

Ashley

Yesterday, ambassador Hass’s motorcade was attacked by insurgents just outside of the American green zone, where a barricade surrounds US forces. Some have speculated that the highly organized assault was in fact, a Sunni extremist group interested in blaming Shia or Al Qaeda fundamentalist for the attack.  This complicates the political landscape, as a civil war looms large and Sunnis bartering for peace.     

 

He flips to another channel and more of the same bad news. His expression grows worried. He switches channel again and finds a Grouch Marx movie and he copies the lines of Groucho Marx verbatim. There is a chime on his computer. He jumps out of bed. A message appears on the screen.

 

MESSAGE

“I can’t believe you called me a prostitute.” 

 

HAWKEYE

 (typing)

So it was you!

 

MESSAGE

I was busy with a friend. I didn’t know she’d be there.

 

HAWKEYE

What are you doing now?

 

MESSAGE

Waiting for you.

 

INT. BAR - NIght

 

Only a few people are left in the bar. Hawkeye is alone at a table.

 

HOULIHAN

Hello, handsome.

hawkeye

How did you know my name?

 

Houlihan sits down at the table. She is dressed risqué, like a dominatrix.

  

             HAWKEYE

So what brings those amazing lips to Lebanon?

 

             HOULIHAN

 

I think you know we’re in Qatar.

 

             HAWKEYE

The city we’re in makes no difference —it’s all one big desert isn’t it? An environment hard on skin. Speaking of which, your lips look dry. Let me wet them for you.

 

She lets him kiss her but then pushes him gently away.

 

             HOULIHAN

Confident aren’t you?

 

             HAWKEYE

Not confident —just excitable.

 

             HOULIHAN

A child is excitable. A puppy is excitable. You don’t really believe I’m just going to give into those boyish good looks do you? Jump right into bed, lose myself in those dark eyes and fall gently into strong arms?

 

             HAWKEYE

I think that’s exactly what is going to happen.

 

Houlihan lights a cigarette. Hawkeye lights it.

            

HOULIHAN

Why do you believe that?

 

             HAWKEYE

Because you’re here tonight

—-with me, living in this moment. I can hear your pulse.  I can smell your desire. Besides, you’ve shaved your legs already, and we all know what that means.

 

             HOULIHAN

I’ve been in bars before, handsome. And I’ve left them —alone, more times than I care to count. 

 

             HAWKEYE

No. I don’t mean here. Not in this bar —I mean here, in Qatar, the land of Arabia. No comes here with eyes so blues because they like things simple. (He takes her hand and she doesn’t resist.) You are here because you are willing to risk more than you are willing to suffer.

 

             HOULIHAN

Tell me.  What I’m not willing to suffer?

 

             HAWKEYE

The ordinary.

 

 

             HOULIHAN

(Laughs, takes a sip of her drink) I rather like the ordinary.

 

             HAWKEYE

That sparkle in your eyes tells me something different.

 

             HOULIHAN

But you see, you’ve got me all wrong mystery man. I like a man I can count on.

 

             HAWKEYE

You like a man you can’t resist.

 

              HOULIHAN

I like a man who is chivalrous.

 

             HAWKEYE

You like a scoundrel.

 

             HOULIHAN

A nice man.

 

             HAWKEYE

A rogue.

 

             HOULIHAN

A man like daddy, with a square chin on his face, and a dimple in his chin.

 

             HAWKEYE

You want a dirty uncle with change in his pants

 

             HOULIHAN

I like a man who wants to have exactly 2 children, a girl for me and a boy for him.

 

             HAWKEYE

You like a man who carries two condoms in his wallet at all times.

 

             HOULIHAN

I like a man who is willing to wait, wait, and wait some more for a good thing . . .

 

             HAWKEYE

How long?

 

             HOULIHAN

Forever, if necessary.

 

 

             HAWKEYE

I got five hours until I turn back into a pumpkin. 

 

int. hotel – bedroom - night

 

After hot sex, Houlihan puts on a robe, relaxes and lights a ciggarette. She stares out of a window at the skyline.

 

HOULIHAN

What’s your name, Handsome?

 

HAWKEYE

Ben.

 

HOULIHAN

(She smiles to herself.)

That’s an ordinary name.

 

HAWKEYE

Thanks. I like you too. My friends call me Hawkeye.

 

 

HOULIHAN

That’s unusual. Why do they call you that? (She is a little distressed over this.)

 

HAWKEYE

They call me Hawkeye because of my job —I basically put sausage back into sausage casings, but first I pick the shrapnel out of it. But this is hardly pillow talk.

 

HOULIHAN

Shit!

 

HAWKEYE

What?

 

HOULIHAN

Shit!

 

HAWKEYE

What?

 

HOULIHAN

Captain, Benjamin, Franklin Pierce?  Army Surgeon? 3rd Division, MASH 4077TH?

 

HAWKEYE

Oh God, what’s behind door number three?  A tiger?

 

Houlihan turns on the lights. She opens a closet door and stands next to an army uniform pressed and ready to go.

 

HOULIHAN

I’m your goddamned superior officer, soldier.

 

HAWKEYE

(Looks down at his waist)

Oh look, my salute is going down.

 

EXT. HOTEL – LOBBY – DAY

 

Houlihan is standing next to Trapper. They are all in uniform. Hawkeye salutes Houlihan awkwardly.

 

TRAPPER

You two did the nasty last night, didn’t you?

 

CUT TO:

INT. Taxi - DAY 

 

HOULIHAN

Qatar international —Armed forces terminal.

 

TAXI DRIVER

Yes, Ma’am.

 

Camera finds Hawkeye looking out window.  Camera zooms in on window, window changes to airplane window. Camera zooms out. Hawkeye is fidgeting with airplane food. He looks behind him and catches Houlihan’S eye. He smiles. Trapper catches him flirting and frowns. Hawkeye goes back to gazing out window. The landscape changes to burning oil fields and then a broken city. The window changes again to a Hummer window with passing views of Bagdad in chaos. Rock music is playing. Houlihan, Trapper and Hawkeye are all in the Hummer.

 

PRIVATE#1

Captains, Major. Welcome to the city of thieves.

 

HOULIHAN

Private, turn down that music.

 

PRIVATE #1

Yes Ma’m

 

HOULIHAN

How far to the Green Zone?

 

PRIVATE #1

Ma’am we’ve had to alter our route. The insurgents watch our vehicles day and night and try to predict where we’re headed so they can set off IED. We’ll be there in about 5 minutes.

 

 

Outside Hawkeye see a soldier with a rifle wearing a tee shirt that reads: “IT’S A HOLY WAR, BITCH!”

 

HAWKEYE

What’s that all about?

 

PRIVATE #1

Oh, those guys. The Jesus freaks. They think we’re here fighting a holy war. It really pisses off the natives. I don’t know about you Captain, but I don’t think Jesus would like his disciples carrying around an M16 assault riffle with laser sights.

 

Bottles and rocks smash against the windows and everyone inside screams. PRIVATE #2 rolls down the window and yells.

 

PRIVATE #2

Chill people! We come in peace!

 

Private #2 fires two rounds into the sky.

 

EXT. ARMY CAMP - DAY

 

Aerial view of camp. Camera finds sign posts in center of camp in a circular panorama: the signs point to far away places: Coney Island, Burbank, Soul and San Francisco. The voice of RADAR (who is and sounds “autistic”) can be heard over the loud speaker.

 

RADAR( V.O.)

Dinner tonight —chili conquistador with beef cubes and canned potatoes — really? Yikes.   Seasoned peas and corn. I hope it’s not seasoned with paprika —man, that stuff really upsets my stomach. I have to drink a quart of milk to settle it down again, and then I get constipated from the milk on account that I’m lactose intolerant. 

 

COL. BLAKE

I don’t think we need to know about that, Private O’Reilly.

 

RADAR:

It’s just that paprika is actually an irritant used by plants to poison insects.

 

COL. BLAKE

Radar!

 

RADAR

Sorry, Sir.

 

CUT TO:

INT. Col.Blake’s office - ARMY TENT WITH ELECTRIC EQUIPMENT - DAY

RADAR is on a microphone reading carefully and COL. BLAKE is hovering over him.

 

RADAR

(Continuing)

Notice: General Engelhardt arrives tomorrow for inspection —Oh-nine hundred hours. Colonel Blake is counting on you to be all that you can be. Remember, you are an army of one, working as a team of individuals. Isn’t that an oxymoron, Sir? (COL. BLAKE looks at him annoyed.) Oh, and don’t forget, the first ever 4077th talent show is in two days. See Corporal Klinger for tryouts. That is all.

 

EXT.ARMY CAMP, BLAZING SUN - DAY

Hawkeye, Houlihan and Trapper exit Hummer and take in the 4077th. Burns meets them.

 

BURNS

Welcome to the 4077th.

 

He salutes TRAPPER, HAWKEYE and FINALLY HOULIHAN. It is an awkward salute, and HAWKEYE and TRAPPER look at each other confused.)

BURNS

I’m Major Frank Burns, your executive officer. Captain Pierce and I have already had the pleasure of working with each other.

 

HAWKEYE

I hardly call what you were doing working —unless you work for Blackwater.  

 

BURNS

Ha-ha. Jokes. I love them. Keep them coming. You weren’t cracking them when I tossed your ass in the stockade. That was a sight to see, our beloved Hawkeye Pierce, crying like a baby.

 

TRAPPER

You cried?

 

HAWKEYE

He maced me!

 

 

MAJOR BURNS

You were resisting arrest.

 

HAWKEYE

I was trying to remove the wedgy your goons gave me.

 

BURNS

Well, it’s hard to tell the difference in the heat of battle.

 

TRAPPER

What did they throw you in the stockade for?

 

HAWKEYE

R and R 

 

BURNS

Like hell. We found him macking on the colonel’s executive assistant.

 

 

HAWKEYE

You mean his girlfriend. Major, listen. In the first case, it isn’t called “macking” anymore, got it? That was in the 90’s when you were memorizing episodes of Fresh Prince for your Ethic Studies course in college. Look, I have a gift for gab. I was simply, chatting the young lady up.

 

HOULIHAN

Yes, you are a good talker.

 

BURNS stops walking.

 

BURNS

Major, you know Captain Peirce?

 

HOULIHAN

Why, yes Frank.

 

TRAPPER/HAWKEYE

Frank?

 

HOULIHAN

Yes, I met him at the hotel—

 

MAJOR BURNS takes her by the elbow, moves her away from the two.

 

MAJOR BURNS

The hotel?

 

HOULIHAN

Yes Frank —he looked lonely, so Captain McIntyre and I invited him over for a drink.

 

Trapper and Hawkeye roll their eyes.

 

BURNS

Is that all?

 

HOULIHAN

Frank, I’m his superior officer.

 

HAWKEYE

Please Majors. Please don’t fight on my account. Everyone here knows that I like, well you know, women who are—are, well, you know . . .

 

HOULIHAN

What?

 

HAWKEYE

Younger.

 

HOULIHAN

Soldier! Ten-HUT! (Hawkeye stands at attention) Insubordination during a time of war carries with it, at its maximum, a sentence of death. So I suggest, if you don’t want to find yourself doing surgery on yourself, stand down.

 

HAWKEYE

Yes, Ma’m!

 

Houlihan gives him salutes a snappy salute (this one is not awkward at all) and storms off. The three watch her leave, admiring her form as she goes.

 

 

INT. COL.BLAKE’S OFFICE - DAY

Office is crowded with paperwork and equipment. Nametag on desk reads “Col. Henry Blake”. There are kiddy football trophies on his desk and pictures of kids. Before the door to his office opens, Radar looks up.

 

RADAR

Major Burns, Cap’in Peirce and McIntyre here to see you, Sir.

 

Hawkeye, Trapper and Burns enter Col. Blake’s office. Col. Blake is playing put-put golf, shoots and misses.

 

COL. BLAKE

(At missing shot.)

Damn.

 

 

COL. BLAKE eyes the hole again, shoots. Before he swings, Radar speaks.

 

RADAR

Nice one, Sir.

 

Col. Blake makes his shot. They all look up at Radar.  Radar shrugs.

 

COL. BLAKE

Sit down, gentleman.

 

They sit.  As Col. Blake talks with them, Radar is busy dusting Col. Blake’s football trophies and filling papers.

 

COL. BLAKE

 (continuing)

As you know, in support of operation Iraqi Freedom, the 3rd Armored Division is setting up mobile army medical unit here in Bagdad and another in Pakistan, the 212th. Things are getting hotter, so we brought in a surgeon with battlefield experience — Captain McIntyre. You’ve met my CO, Major Burns. And the number-one pain in my ass, Captain Pierce.

 

TRAPPER

Captain Pierce and I met in Qatar, sir.  

 

COL. BLAKE

Captain Pierce is the best field doctor I’ve ever met. Not one soldier has died under your knife, isn’t that right?

 

HAWKEYE

Yes, sir. (To Trapper) Call me Hawkeye.

 

             COL. BLAKE

He’s very impressed with himself —but, and you’ve probably already figured out that he has    a problem with authority.

 

HAWKEYE

I also have a problem with cold sores and eating my vegetables.

 

TRAPPER

Vegetables? Cold sores I understand, Casanova. But vegetables? I mean, you’re a doctor. You should know how good they are for you.

 

HAWKEYE

Well not, potatoes. I like potatoes. 

 

TRAPPER

Potatoes are not vegetables.

 

COL. BLAKE

They’re not?

 

RADAR

Sir. Potatoes are actually tubers —so technically they’re not vegetables.

 

HAWKEYE

I don’t like eating my vegetables —because authority figures are always telling me to eat them.

 

TRAPPER

But you like potatoes? Why?

 

HAWKEYE

French Fries.

 

TRAPPER

That makes no sense. You can fry any vegetable and make it taste good, you dummy.

 

HAWKEYE

Oh yeah —can you fry Kale and make it taste good? Or Cactus Apples? Or Poi?

 

Burns is watching the two argue and his head is spinning back and forth in disbelief. He looks to Col. Blake to end the mess, but Col. Blake is memorized by the debate. 

 

BURNS

Stop it!

 

TRAPPER

Yes, you can. You can dip any vegetable on earth in batter and fry it. It’s called tempura.

 

Col. Blake starts to snap out of it.

 

HAWKEYE

Then I’m conformed. Henry, I’m no longer an anti-conformist.

 

BURNS

His name is Colonel Blake, Captain.

 

Hawkeye, Burns and Trapper begin to argue incoherently.

CUT TO: Col. Blake and Radar

 

COL. BLAKE

Radar, exactly when did I lose control of these men?

 

RADAR

(Reading from notes he’s been taking)Um, yes sir. You lost control when you introduced Captain Pierce.

 

COL. BLAKE

That early, huh?  Um. Radar, do you mind.

 

RADAR

Right, Sir.

 

Radar puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles loudly.  The room goes quiet.

 

COL. BLAKE

General Engelhardt is bringing his big brass ass to the new and improved 4077th. I want you to keep a lid on your antics, Hawkeye. This field hospital in the green zone is his baby and you are here to stitch em’ up and send them to Germany where real medical doctors, unlike yourself, can treat them properly.  Major Burn —you and the Captain will be rooming together until further notice. He’s your responsibility outside of the ER, understand?

 

Burns salutes.

 

BURNS

Yes, sir.

 

COL. BLAKE

  (To TRAPPER)

Remind me of your specialty, McIntyre? 

 

TRAPPER

Thoracic surgery, Sir.

 

             COL. BLAKE

Welcome to the 4077th.  We all know why they call Peirce Hawkeye. Why do they call you Trapper? 

 

TRAPPER

Why do they call him Hawkeye?

 

             COL. BLAKE

Because he can pull shrapnel out of a hamster’s ass. Isn’t that right, Pierce? (HAWKEYE pretends to perform surgery on something very small) So why do they call you Trapper ?

 

TRAPPER

Pest control, sir.

 

COL. BLAKE

Come again?

 

TRAPPER

The TV commercial, Trapper John McIntyre. You ain’t never been to Mississippi have you?  (TRAPPER sings a catchy jingle) That’s my father. He can track and kill anything with paws and or without the cerebral cortex to create laws, as the commercial says.  He sent me to medical school we so don’t have to eat opossum anymore.

 

HAWKEYE

Oh yeah, did you hear what’s on the menu tonight? 

 

TRAPPER

So my friends took to callin’ me that back home and then some of my National Guard buddies in Louisiana picked up on it.

 

COL. BLAKE

Speaking of buddies. I see Peirce has sunk his claws into you. If I were you Captain, I’d stay away from him like bed bugs. As you can see, he’s a pain in the ass.

 

HAWKEYE

Thank you, Colonel. I can make my own friends.

 

COL. BLAKE

And I’m sorry, but we don’t have quarters for you yet, so you’ll room with the nurses until we find appropriate officer’s accommodations.

 

TRAPPER

Thank you, Sir. 

 

COL. BLAKE

(Unsure) You’re welcome.  Dismissed —but not you, Hawkeye. I want to clear the air with you.

 

INT. Army tent - Day

Nurses are gathered around, putting away gear. There are male nurses and female. All of them are black, Hispanic, Pilipino, everything accept white.

 

NURSE #1

He’s a dog —leave him, girl.

 

NURSE TRICE

He’s not a dog.

 

LIEUTENANT BRACK

(To Nurse #1) How do you know he’s a dog? 

 

NURSE #1

He’s a dog, Lieutenant. Trust me, I know. He came up on me real smooth last year, like he had game or something, and tried to kiss me.

 

LIEUTENANT BRACK

That was before he asked Kelly to marry him.

 

NURSE #1

Once a dog always a dog.

 

NURSE TRICE

But, I love him.

 

             NURSE #1

My Momma told me —you don’t love a man —you love a puppy.

 

             LIEUTENANT

Sherry, Of course your momma would say that, she wasn’t a dog-catcher —know what I’m saying? And just because you and Tyrone didn’t work out, that doesn’t mean it won’t work out for Latasha. 

cut to:

 

Houlihan enters the room and they all instantly quiet down. LIEUTENANT BRACK speaks up.

LT. BRACK

Ten Hut.

houlihan

That’s not necessary Lieutenant 

LT. BRACK

Of Course it is Major.

houlihan

At ease.

LT. BRACK

Ma’am. Welcome to the 4077th 66E, Forward Medical Unit, PERIOPERATIVE Corps, Bagdad. 

HOULIHAN

A Fine looking bunch, Lieutenant.

LT. BRACK

Thank you Ma’am.

 

Houlihan

Before I met with Colonel Blake, I wanted to take a look around.

 

LT. BRACK

I’d be happy to give you a tour.

 

Houlihan

That would be great, Lieutenant. Just so you know. I don’t expect this operation to run as smoothly as the 159th, it’s so new and we’re all getting to know each other. And I want you to know that I don’t plan on changing anything until I can do so with an informed opinion. Until then, please behave as you normally would.  

 

LT. BRACK

Yes, ma’am.

 

HOULIHAN

Except, just a moment ago I noticed that the OR is using refurbished anesthesia vaporizers. Is that correct? 

 

LT. BRACK

Yes Ma’am, we use what he have available until A-MEDD ships them out.

Houlihan

Nonsense. Those refurbished machines don’t belong here with all this sand. Have you tried acquiring new ones from Germany?  

 

LT. BRACK

No Ma’am.

Houlihan

Why, is that?

LT. BRACK

It hadn’t occurred to me, Ma’am.

Houlihan

How long have you been in Bagdad, Lieutenant?

LT. BRACK

Six, months, two weeks, three days, twenty-hours, ten and one half minutes, Ma’am.

 

Houlihan

Well, I’ve been here two hours, five minutes and (looks at her watch) and ten seconds, and I know better than to use old equipment in the middle of a desert. So please get on the phone to Germany and get me some new vaporizers.

LT. BRACK

Yes, Ma’am.

 

Houlihan eyes the group of nurses.

 

                         HOULIHAN

And Private Trice, it’s true, men are dogs. But you’ll find that if you use a leash like you’re suppose to, they can be trained to work with you in an efficient, obedient manner. Now, everybody. Please. You have my permission to relax.

 

 

INT. COL. BLAKE’s Office - DAY

Blake and Hawkeye are the only ones in the room.

            

COL. BLAKE

Son, I want to get something perfectly clear with you.

 

 

             HAWKEYE

Relax. Your secretary wasn’t all that fun.

 

             COL. BLAKE

No, not her, about why you’re here. Why I brought you back even though I’m pissed as hell at you.

 

HAWKEYE

You mean I’m not here to compare notes about your secretary?

 

COL. BLAKE

No.

HAWKEYE

She was a little frigid.

 

COL. BLAKE

And I’m sure you’re pissed about me drumming up those false charges and throwing you in the brig. I’m sorry for that. I wish I hadn’t done it. It was impulsive, mean-spirited and an abuse of my command.

 

HAWKEYE

You sent me a get sick card, Colonel. 

 

COL. BLAKE

And it was immature for me to do that. I know. But you see, everybody knew that Corporeal Jenkins and I were a thing.

 

 

             HAWKEYE

Mrs. Blake? 

 

 

COL. BLAKE

No. No. Not her. She doesn’t know. Nether of us have been perfect, you know what I mean? 

 

 

HAWKEYE

No, I don’t. 

 

COL. BLAKE

You know, she always wanted a Navy doctor.  She used to joke that after the cold war ended, navy doctors would be the ones most likely to killed, but who knew? The towers come down, Tora Bora, some asshole with a crap load of oil starts callin’ us names.

 

             HAWKEYE

Henry, hello? Why am I back here?

 

COL. BLAKE

Right. So you see, Hawk.  I turned my teapot off. One day I was sitting there missing my secretary and I thought, that Pierce guy —he’s probably sittin’ in some quiet jail cell, relaxed, no bombs going off, no blood and guts. The best way to punish this guy is to put him right back here in Bagdad. 

 

 

             HAWKEYE

Oh, really Henry? My father says that he pulled some strings to get e out but you wouldn’t budge until Good Morning America wanted to do a special on the 4077th.

 

 

             COL. BLAKE

             No. No.

 

 

             HAWKEYE

Yes, yes Henry. And they only wanted to talk to one doctor —me, the only surgeon who hasn’t lost a single patient on the table.

 

             COL. BLAKE

Absurd. They could just as easily interview Frank.

 

 

HAWKEYE

Burns? He’d be too busy pulling his bicycle shorts out of his ass.

 

             COL. BLAKE

You watch it —the major is a fine doctor.

 

HAWKEYE

Oh yeah? Dr. Frankenstein was a good doctor, too.

 

             COL. BLAKE

I guess he was.

 

HAWKEYE

Well I’m not going to do it. I’m not going to be your prop.

 

COL. BLAKE

Oh, yes you will son. You may be a hot shot, pissy little brat, but I know before all of that, you’re a doctor. A damn fine one. And I know about your magic eye —it’s why they started calling you Hawkeye back at Fort Brag isn’t it? You have a sense of the body that other’s don’t have. Those amazing hands and the those amazing eyes. Too bad the rest of you is shit! Do you know why I really, really brought you back? I brought you back because I want to be there at the exact moment you finally learn the rules.

 

             HAWKEYE

I thought there were no rules. 

 

             COL. BLAKE

Yes there are. There are two rules. War! Rule number one —soldiers die. Rule number two —doctors don’t have the power to change rule number one.

 

Hawkeye has no retort.

   

COL. BLAKE (Continued)

Dismissed captain.

 

 

EXT. Army guard Post - DAY

 

Burns is arguing with a private at guard post. He has a bicycle on his shoulder and he’s dressed in a rider’s jersey with a USA Flag.

 

PRIVATE #3

Sir, I don’t think it’s a good idea to ride out there today.

 

 

             MAJOR BURNS

Nonsense, private.  

 

 

             PRIVATE #3

There is intense insurgent activity outside the green zone, Sir. I have orders that no one leaves without an escort. 

 

BURNS

Who gave you those orders, private?

 

Private #3

You did, Sir.

            

Burns

             (laughs)

Major Burns mounts his bicycle and rides off into the streets of Bagdad.

CUT to:

Angle widens to include a suspicious looking Arab man on a scooter, watching Burns as he rides off.

EXT. BAGDAD – City streets - Day

Close up of the back of a bicycle jersey with stars and stripes. It has the number “1” printed on it and words that reads “An Army of One”. The rock band Queen’s, “Bicycle” is playing.

 

CUT TO: close up

 

A Burn’s muscular ass in bicycle shorts with “USA” printed on each ass cheek. The man is pumping hard.

CUT TO:

Shot of the front of his jersey, unzipped, his muscular arms, the intense look on his face. Camera widens and follows Burns through streets of Bagdad. He zooms in and out of traffic, through pedestrians. The mysterious man on the scooter is following him. Camera cuts to an Arab vendor who is neatly arranging fruit. Burns rides by the produce stand and grabs an exotic looking fruit and the whole pile comes down in the street. Camera cuts to a Shot of the mirror on Burn’s helmet, he watches the fruit rolling into the street. We see BURNS smile. More shots of Burns peddling through Bagdad. He spies two kids opening a bottle of Coke, rides by them, grabs the bottle and drinks it down, splashes some on his face and tosses the bottle away. He rounds a corner and an explosive goes off. A man is blown into the street. MAJOR BURNS see him and deftly executes a jump over him and rides down the street cheering him self on. The man stands and shakes his fist at the bicyclists and yells something in Arabic. Inlay reads: “Douche bag!” 

 

CUT TO:

Camera finds man on scooter, watching Burns with a cold look on his face.

ext. ARMY CAMP - Day

Hawkeye and Radar are walking through camp; Radar is carrying Hawkeye’s Bag. They stop at a vintage Harley-Davison motorcycle.  

RADAR

Here it is sir, just like you left her.

Hawkeye

Radar, you little elf, you’ve out done your self.

 

             RADAR

I’ve been keeping up since you left. I knew you’d be back. 

 

Hawkeye starts it up, then puts his hands on the motor and listens. He makes a few adjustments and the engine begins to idle smoothly.  

                         HAWKEYE

There. . . there, sweet mother. You just needed a simple adenoidectomy.

   

RADAR

Excuse me sir?

 

             HAWKEYE

And about 946 cc’s of type o’ Quaker state. . . ah, yes, you hear that?

 

             RADAR

It sounds sick.

 

             HAWKEYE

No, no. that’s how you know she’s doing well, “potato. . .potato . . . . potato”. See? That’s the sound of a properly tuned Harley.

 

             RADAR

Doesn’t sound anything like the street racer back home.

 

             HAWKEYE

Boy-Man! This is not a street racer.

 

             RADAR

Sir, all motorbikes are for riding.

Hawkeye

No, no! Radar —let me see, it’s like this.  When you see nurse Hokanson, how does she make you feel inside? 

 

             RADAR

(Smiles, blushes)

 

HAWKEYE

Exactly —you wan’na take her out on the town, show her to the fella’s who are hanging out at the feed store, or where ever the hell you hillbillies hang out.

 

             RADAR

Gun store pie shop.

 

HAWKEYE

             Which one?

 

RADAR

Oh, sorry sir. They’re the same place.

 

             HAWKEYE

Right. Well —a street racer is a bike you show off. It makes your heart race. You take chance on it. Huh, huh? You squeeze the throttle and your zipper starts to vibrate. Now, I want you to close your eyes and think of how nurse Rudle makes you feel inside.

 

             RADAR

(Opens his eyes and makes a face) Sir, she’s old enough to be my mother!

 

HAWKEYE

(He pets the motorcycle.) 

Exactly. Mother.

 

 

INT. ARMY TENT – DAY

 

Trapper enters a room with scantly clad nurses. She smiles and drops her bag. She starts messily unpacking her stuff, tossing it all around. Someone interrupts her and she looks up to a nametag that says, “Sgt. Rudle”. 

 

                    SGT. RUDLE

Captain McIntyre, I have the perfect quarters for you.

 

EXT. OUTSIDE OF AN ARMY TENT with handmade SIGN THAT READS, “tHE SWAMP” - DAY

 

iNT. aRMY TENT.

 

A messily arranged tent with Trapper sitting in a chair knitting, with her feet up on a table. Hawkeye and Radar enter the room.

 

 

             HAWKEYE

Home sweet home. Just put that anywhere, porter.

 

             RADAR

Yes, Sir. Oh, Capn’ McIntyre. 

 

             HAWKEYE

A little too close in the nurse’s quarters?

 

TRAPPER

According to Sgt. Rudle.

 

 

             HAWKEYE

(Sarcastically) Enlisted. (To Radar) No offence, corporal. Don’t worry, she’s kicked me out of there a few times. 

 

TRAPPER

Yeah, I’ll bet. You don’t mind if I hang out here a bunch, do ya Hawk?

 

             HAWKEYE

You’re welcome —but first, I have two rules. (He puts something in his mouth that looks like a cigar, mocking Col. Blake.)

 

Radar has begun putting together two martinis. He hands one to Hawkeye and Trapper. 

 

TRAPPER

Yeah, what’ that?

 

             HAWKEYE

Rule number one. You stay away from my delicates. They are for my thighs only. You hear? Rule number two, if you see my delicates hanging on the door knob, get lost. I’m busy with a nurse.

 

                         TRAPPER

Well, to hell with rule number one —we’re about the same size you sissy. And as for rule number two, right back at cha’.

 

They toast.

 

EXT. OUTside of barracade - DAY

 

Burns aggressively rides through barricade dinging his bicycle bell. The guards tell him to stop but he rides straight through. The man on the mysterious scooter stops at a distance. Watches him enter the camp. The man focuses on a poster that reads “TALENT SHOW” with the dates written on it.

 

INT. THE SWAMP - DAY

 

Burns enters The Swamp, takes off his shirt and dries his arm pits. He looks at Trapper who is knitting and sneers.

 

burns

What are you doing here?

 

Trapper puts down her knitting project and takes a drink from a large martini glass.

 

Trapper

Trying to commit manslaughter by alcohol poisoning . . . (to Hawkeye) Jesus Christ, Hawk, what’s in this stuff? 

 

Hawkeye

Let me see. . . . there’s 10 percent booze and 90 percent booze. What’s wrong, you like em’ a little stronger? (To Radar) Bartender! You watering down my corn-mash?

 

Radar

No, sir.

 

HAWKEYE

Just so you know, it’s corn spelled with a “K”, a recipe handed down by my Uncle TJ, from Arkansas.

 

Major Burns

Regulations state that at no time are females allowed in male living quarters. Not to mention alcohol. 

 

hawkeye

That’s right Frank, so please take your blouse and get lost the instant you are finish shaving your chest.

 

trapper

You shave your chest, Major?

 

Major burns

I do not shave my chest. I shave my legs to decrease drag. All racers do it.

 

radar

Sir, I think that’s swimmers.

 

Major burns

Shut up you little twerp.

 

Hawkeye

Hey, hey, hey now, no name calling. That’s not necessary.

 

Trapper

Yeah, Major. You’re abusing your authority.

 

hawkeye

Authority? Frank? The last time he had authority it was in the red light district in Amsterdam. The black door decorated with a bronze buckle.

 

Trapper

I know the place.

 

Hawkeye

Madam Mischief?

 

(Radar smiles)

 

Trapper Hawkeye

(To Radar) You know the place?  

 

burns

You two are despicable. 

 

Burns notices a medal on TRAPPER ’S chest.

 

                         BURNS

                         (Continuing)

Hey —what are you doing with that?

                         TRAPPER

What?

                         BURNS

That! There, on your uniform.

 

cut to:

Close up of name tag and fancy medal. Name tag reads: “Capt. Joanna Trapper”. 

 

Burns

             (continuing)

That’s the Army’s medal of combat. You’re a doctor.                               

 

                         HAWKEYE

Don’t sound so envious, Frank. Any sane person would want to avoid what those boys see on a daily basis.

 

                         BURNS

(To Hawkeye) Speak for yourself.

 

                         TRAPPER

Tora Bora, Major.

 

                         RADAR.

No, shit? (Apologizes) Sorry, sirs.

 

                         BURNS

You were at Tora Bora?

                          

                         TRAPPER

I was there. Parts of my psyche still are, Major. 

 

                         HAWKEYE

What happened?

 

                         TRAPPER

You mean, what really happened?

 

                         HAWKEYE

Yeah. What really happened?

 

                         TRAPPER

Well, after the towers fell, they sent us in to find Bin Laden. They said he was holding out in the caves —caves the size of hotel lobbies, holding a thousand fighters with armories and slot machines and ATMs. Hell, some CIA reports said they even had a hospital down there. We carpet bombed Khyber Pass, turned it into hell on earth, and dropped commandos to engage anything that crawled out alive.  I was doing medic work; guess I was bored in the ER. I volunteered because it made me feel more like a solider. Anyway, they gave us some Mujahideen guides who supposedly knew where the caves were, but those idiots locked us down, put us between al-Qaeda fighters and our own troops —the devil and the deep blue sea. Some of us wondered if they did it on purpose. All night we watched the world break apart at the seams. No one knew their asshole from a rock. Every shadow was mowed down with a mortar, a rocket launcher, an assault rifle. You see, our mission was a secret, no one knew we were there. We just . . . endured, losing hopes and our humanity every instant. One by one, those boys were torn apart. One second, you’d hear them saying their prayers, or talking about their family, then you hear a blasting cap come off, or a whistle, and you’d wonder who was next. The kid you heard praying —ripped in half . . . and you’re suppose to make him whole again. Yeah, I wanted to be a soldier. I guess I was, then. It was the first time in the army that I ever felt equal to men. I wasn’t a woman —I was a shadow, a target, fodder for someone who’d never met me. Those bombs and bullets didn’t care about my tits one little bit. But our boys cared about my hands. How I was going to make them whole again? It all ended when the sun came up. Mostly everybody was dead. We walked out of there and nobody shot at us, not even the al qaeda fighters. They must have taken pity on us.  Funny thing was, those caves we were told about, they were nothing but holes in a hillside, carved out by farmers with nothing but rashens in them and a few guns you could buy in Texas on a Saturday. Worst of all, some of the al qaeda fighters surrendered, but only as a distraction to allow Bin laden to slip away. You know when I was most frightened? Waiting for my turn to get in the helicopter. Waiting for those men who were watching us in the hills to decide if they were human enough to let us evacuate and fly the hell out of there.  Anyway, I’m back to being a doctor. Just a doctor. For good.

 

They all look at one another. After a long uncomfortable silence, a roar is heard outside the tent. They turn toward the sound.

 

EXT. OUTDOOR BOXING RING — DAY

 

Army personnel are gathered around a makeshift boxing ring, cheering and making bets. A man with large hoop ear rings (CORPORAL KLINGER) has a bull horn and is speaking to the crowd. 

 

klinger

In this corner, weighing in at 250 and some pocket change, from the city with big shoulders, the meat packing capital of the world, Chicago’s very own “Touch of death” —Sergeant, Jo-jo “drop and give me infinity”  Rodriquez.    

 

The crowd cheers. Camera cuts to Hawkeye and Trapper. 

 

TRAPPER

(Noticing the hooped ear rings on KLINGER)

Is he queer?

 

 

             HAWKEYE

Who, Klinger? He’s queer, but not gay. No. He wants a blue ticket home. He’s an Arabic translator —joined the army to get his green card. Now he wants out, but they don’t want him go. His family needs him in Lebanon.   If he deserts, he loses his citizenship. 

 

             TRAPPER 

 

Blue ticket?

 

             HAWKEYE

You know —Section six,fifty four. “A soldier who demonstrates a propensity or intent to engage in homosexual acts.” 

 

TRAPPER

But what if it’s with a really, really hot female nurse?

 

 

             HAWKEYE

Section six stroke nine. 

 

 

             TRAPPER

What’s that?

 

HAWKEYE

Then you are ordered by congress to video tape such acts and send them to your newest, best buddy.

 

 

             TRAPPER

Best buddy, huh?

            

HAWKEYE

Sure. Why not?

 

                         KLINGER

                    (Continuing)

And in this corner, weighing in at a mean, and lean 165 pounds. (Some laughs can be heard.)  A man with three sponsors —The Father, the Son, and the Holly sprit. A man who boxed as a Jesuit for Jesus, a man who willperform last rites, after the fight, from the city of brotherly love, Father Francis P, “now I lay me, down to sleep”, Mulcahy.   

 

The crowd cheers. Camera finds Hawkeye, Burns, Trapper and Radar joining the crowd. Hawkeye makes a few bets on MULCAHY. Col. Blake stops “chatting up” an army secretary and pokes his head out the door with a cigar. Grabs Radar and tells him to put some money on the “Touch of Death”. The camera cuts to Mulcahy who says a quick prayer, crosses his chest and a private puts in his mouth guard. Klinger rings the bell. The two men join each other at the center of the ring, RODRIQUEZ is hesitant at first, but after a few punches from Mulcahy, he gets more serious. Before each swing, Mulcahy sites a bible passage, and Rodriquez counters with one of his own.

 

 RODRIQUEZ

An eye for an eye. (Swings) I went to church, too.

MULCAHY

Turn the other cheek. (Distracts with a left, swings, connects with a right.) Mathew 5:39

 

 RODRIQUEZ

The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe. (Swings, Connects)But not today, Father.

 

MULCAHY

I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Bam! He connects with a haymaker, and the crowd oohs and awes) Isaiah 41:10

The men get serious and connect and connect. Mulcahy begins to look fragile. The bell rings and both have a seat. They are tended to by men ring side. Hawkeye makes his way to Mulcahy’s corner.

 

 

                         HAWKEYE

Father, you gon’na let that punk clobber you like that?

 

MULCAHY

Hawkeye, I thought I heard the sound of your heavenly voice.

HAWKEYE

Come on Father, I got two weeks pay on this. Put him away.

MULCAHY

May I remind you that gambling is a sin?

Hawkeye

So is war, you hypocritical son of a bitch! Now get in there and kill that guy.

 

The bell rings and the two fighters join at the center of the ring. Father Mulcahy looks shaky.

        

Rodriquez

That’s it Father. You’re goin’ down. Where’s your god now.

 

Father Mulcahy becomes angry and receives a second wind. He unleashes a damaging flurry of punches and finally Rodriquez goes down. The crowd cheers. Klinger counts to ten. Mulcahy leans over the slain giant.

MULCAHY

The LORD is my shepherd. He maketh you lie down in his green pastures —Psalm 23. I’ll see you at services, so. Sorry about the eye.

 

Rodriquez

Ok, Father.

 

The crowd is uproarious. Houlihan cheers his victory. COL. BLAKE hands over some money. Hawkeye collects his debts. The camera slowly zooms in on Radar whose expression changes from cheerful to worry. Hawkeye see him, approaches his side.

 

HAWKEYE

What Radar? What’s going on?

 

Radar looks up to the sky and squints hard and suddenly the radio on his waist begins to belch the panicked voices of pilots and hummer drivers with wounded.

 

 

RADAR

Choppers, Sir.  (He starts yelling to the crowd) Choppers! Choppers. Southwest, carrying wounded. Hummers too, with civilians.

 

The crowd breaks up, scrambling to their post. They move equipment and prepare stretchers. The camera follows the Black Hawk helicopters as they land with wounded soldiers and civilians on board. Camera cuts to shots of Houlihan barking orders, nurses getting dressed. COL. Blake puts out his cigar. Burns is ready to go before anyone, cracking his knuckles. He is also calling out commands. A moment later, Hummers speed onto the scene with more wounded. One stretcher has an American solider sitting upright with a head wound. He tries to get off the stretcher and walk, but Houlihan orders him to lie down. Another solider, a young white man, is moved by Hawkeye.  He glares at Hawkeye as he is moved into triage.  Another stretcher has a young Iraqi man who is chattering something urgently in Arabic. Camera cuts to Houlihan. 

 

HOULIHAN

(To Hawkeye) Captain, get your ass prepped for surgery. Triage is my responsibility.

 

HAWKEYE

Yes, Major.

 

INT. WASHROOM - DAY

 

Camera is on TRAPPPER who is looking into a mirror with a distant, post traumatic gaze on her face. 

 

(V.O.) Trapper hears the voices of soldiers calling out for help on the battlefield.

 

HAWKEYE

Hey Trapper, you ok?

 

TRAPPER doesn’t answer. HAWKEYE shakes her.

 

HAWKEYE

             (Continued)

Captain! 

 

TRAPPER

I’m here Hawk. I’m here.

 

Hawkeye

Ok buddy, let’s go. Showtime.

 

 

INT. OPERATING ROOM –DAY

 

Camera follows Hawkeye through double doors into an operating room that is in chaos. A nurse approaches him. Hawkeye has on big, surgical magnifying goggles.   

 

 

hawkeye

Glove me! (The nurse snaps on a pair of gloves and three people call his name.) There’s only so much of me to go around. But don’t worry; daddy’s got enough for you all.

 

COL. BLAKE

Captain —get over here and help me stop this bleeding.

 

Hawkeye approaches Col. Blake’s table.

 

             HAWKEYE

What you got here, Henry?

 

             COL. BLAKE

Clavicle fracture, chest trauma, opened wound. I got blood pooling out of him like he’s chumming for sharks. (To nurse) Damn you, more suction.  Rib fractures, upper right posterior side of the thorax. I can’t open him without more bleeding.

 

HAWKEYE

Absent radial pulse?

 

 

COL. BLAKE

Yeah.

HAWKEYE

Brachial?   

COL. BLAKE

Yeah. What is this Jeopardy?

 

Camera dives into patient’s right arm, follows a bloodless vein up into the chest.

 

hawkeye (V.O.)

You got yourself a chunk of steel wedged in his in the Subclavian Artery. See look, it’s ruptured the right lung.  Hematoma, pink with bubbles and the carotid pulse is present bilaterally.  Dig it out, Henry.

 

 

COL. BLAKE

It’s all you, Pierce. That’s your specialty.

 

Camera zooms out, finds Hawkeye. He takes Col. Blake’s scalpel and cuts into the neck.

 

HAWKEYE

Forceps.  (Nurse gives him forceps) Keep that suction coming.

Camera dives into the chest of patient, finds obstructions.

 

                         HAWKEYE (V.O.)

              More suction is never a bad thing.

 

Forceps enter view, removes shrapnel.   

 

Col. BLAKE

Good work Pierce.

 

HAWKEYE

Thank me after you receive the bill. I need a new bicycle pump for my ego. (He tosses shrapnel into nurse’s pan.) Ah, music to my ears.

 

 

Houlihan’s voice can be heard. She’s yelling at a patient to settle down.

 

HouLIHAN

Hawkeye —this one’s next. Chest x-ray shows bilateral perihilar pulmonary infiltrates in a butterfly pattern. He’s waking up —he won’t settle down.

 

The man is screaming something in Arabic. Hawkeye picks up x-ray while a male nurse is trying to hold him down. Hawkeye tries to calm him, but the man screams louder.

 

VICTOM #1

Infidel!

Hawkeye

That I understand. Look, buddy. You’ve got pieces of a fork inside of you! Uncle Sam doesn’t use weapons made by Martha Steward.  

 

The young man becomes more irate. Begins to over power the nurse.

hawkeye

Get corporal Klingler in here, now!

 

A nurse runs off.

 

More patients are being rolled into the operating room. An I.V. stand falls over and causes a ruckus. The American soldier with the head wound jumps, but Trapper eases him down. Houlihan barks some orders in the background.

 

Trapper

Easy lieutenant. We’re just getting settled down. Easy does it.

 

Lieutenant

Yes, Captain.

 

TRAPPER

You have a major head trauma, but it we don’t stop that arm from bleeding, there won’t be any blood left for you to have any kind of headache.

 

LIEUTENANT

Where is sergeant Kaisaki?

 

Trapper

I’m sorry, Lieutenant. He didn’t make it.

 

LIEUTENANT

He was a father.

 

Trapper

And now the war has made him a saint.

 

LIEUTENANT

We were guarding a market, sir . . . just watching some kids play soccer with a new ball we gave them. . .  then a car pulled up, started revving its engines. He went to check it out, but it just hit the gas, busted through. It had crap glued all over it, chains and tools, scrap metal. It exploded right in front of us . . . 

 

Trapper

Looks like you have a few souvenirs in your shoulder.

 

LIEUTENANT

Get it out of me doc. I don’t ever want to remember that.

 

 Trapper

Not my arm, doc. My head. Get it out of my head.

 

Camera moves to door. KLINGER enters. He sees the male nurse trying to contain the young, Arabic man. He rushes over.

 

HAwkeye

Klinger, get over here and tell him to settle down or bleed to death.

 

klinger

Aye-aye, my Captain.

 

Klinger speaks in Arabic to patient. The man does not settle down.

 

victom #1

Infidel.

 

Klinger speaks in Arabic again and the young man begins to listen. The man speaks back. He says the word “Abu Ghraib” in a sentence. 

 klinger

He says that this is Abu Ghraib.

 

hawkeye

What the hell does that mean?

 

Klinger asks the man.

 

KLINGER

He says that it’s a secret prison where they torture innocent civilians.

 

HAWKEYE

My ass, Abu Ghraib. Tell him we’re Americans. We don’t torture.

Klinger translates; the camera zooms in on man’s face. He’s astounded. He speaks again and Klinger translates.

 

KLINGER

He says that you lie. He has an uncle who was taken by soldiers to doctors who helped him and then tortured him. 

 

Hawkeye

Tell him that his uncle is mistaken. We have a Hippocratic Oath that we take very seriously. Our oath is to never intentionally hurt a human being.

 

Klinger Translates.

 

VICTOM # 1

 (In broken English)

What does Hippocratic mean?

 

Klinger tells him in Arabic and the man freaks out.

 

Hawkeye

Ok, that’s it. Drop him.

 

Rodriquez (the boxer from earlier) jabs VICTIM #1 with needle and he soon passes out.

 

Camera switches to MAJOR BURNS. He’s prepping for surgery as nurses are prepping VICTIM # 2. The man is groggy, but he turns his head to see VICTIM #1.

 

Victim #2

Can you shut that foreigner up, doc. 

MAJOR BURNS

This is his country, Sergeant.

 

Victim #2

Ours now, mission accomplished.

 

MAjor Burns

Oh, I don’t know about that. We have a lot of nation building to do? And nation building is hard isn’t it? (With scissors he tears off a tee-shirt that says “I Have A Dream” with a confederate flag flying over the US Capital building. The patient groans) And it hurts, too. 

 

VICTIM #2 hears HAWKEYE give orders.

 

hawkeye

(to nurse)

This looks like venous bleeding, steady, but slow. Keep him sedated until it heals. Use restraints if you have to. You’ll find some in Hot Lips’ locker.   

 

RODRIQUEZ

 

Excuse me, sir. Do you mean Houlihan?

 

 HAWKEYE

Yes. I mean, no.  Forget about it. Just keep him nice and tied down until that vein heals.

 

MALE NURSE

Yes, Sir. 

 

CUT TO: VICTIM #1

VICTIM #2

Hey doc, do me a favor and don’t let that nigger get his hands on me.

 

MAJOR BURNS

What was that, sergeant?

 

VICTIM #2

You see, I’m a good ol’ boy. Where I come from, we don’t let colored folks do nothing for us, except maybe clean up. I send em out in front of convoys to keep my boys safe.

 

Major Burns

Sergeant, you just keep breathing from that mask until your mind has been washed clean, like a sponge, I suppose, or a nice pair of tighty-whities. (The sergeant begins to doze off) Captain Pierce, I have a penetrating trauma with visible hemorrhage that I could use your assistance with. 

 

Hawkeye

Frank, you can handle that.

 

Major burns

Captain, I need your assistance. (He throws HAWKEYE the shirt)

 

hawkeye

Yes, I see. I mean, yes sir, mister Burns, sir. But I don’t know nuthin ‘bout no penetrating trauma with visible hemorrhage, and (he looks at the wound) possible neurotrauma of the median nerve.

 

Major burns

He reported numbness to the flexor muscles of forearm and lateral surface of hand.

 

 

HAWKEYE

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Well, seein’ how I don’t know a word what you just said to me, why don’t I take these here cotton balls and clean up some of this blood —cause I’s real good at pickin’ cotton. 

 

major burns

I’m putting you in charge of this man’s recovery. You’re the shrapnel expert. If you don’t pull that hunk of steel out of him without severing the brachial plexus, he’ll lose function of his arm —What the hell are you doing?

 

Hawkeye

Oh, I’s real sorry sir. I just likes to do a little hand jive before I cut into a man. You know, to warm up.

 

MAJOR BURNS

Well get it together, man. He’s a good ol’ boy. We take care of each other, you hear?

 

             HAWKEYE

Oh, yes sir. Nurse Rodriquez, scalpel please.

 

Nurse Rodriquez (with a mean looking black eye from the boxing match) produces a switch blade, opens it. Victim # 1 passes out.

 

CUT TO:

Shot of Col. Blake, busy with a patient. You can’t see the expression on his face because of his surgical mask, but he rolls his eyes and says nothing.

 

int. army tent - Post Op

 

HOULIHAN is busy giving out orders. The nurses are scrambling to satisfy her every order. More patients are being rolled in.    

 

houlihan

Lieutenant Trice, these beds need to be set up in order of priority, not random and haphazard.

 

Lieutenant Trice

Major, we don’t have all of our patients out of surgery yet. We can’t organize them until we know what we’re working with.

 

Houlihan

The station nurse is in charge of that. Who is the station nurse?

 

Lieutenant Trice

I am.

 

Houlihan

 

You should know what the surgeons are working on and calling out the order in post op.  For god’s sake, we’re not a country general, we’re on a battlefield.

 

Lieutenant Trice

With all do respect, Ma’am. You’re the senior officer, that responsibility is yours.

 

houlihan

And you are second in command, when I’m busy, you are in charge.

Lieutenant trice

You never handed off, ma’am. You were in triage.

HOULIHAN

What?

Lieutenant trice

Triage is my responsibility. When you jumped in, I figured you knew something I don’t. So I let you do it, and then I neglected to call the post op order. I’m sorry. It’s part of getting used to a new system.

 

Houlihan stands straighter.

Houlihan

Lieutenant, when this is finished, you and I will have a word.

Lieutenant trice

Yes, Ma’am.

 

INT. The swam - night

Burns enters and sees that Trapper is already sitting with her feet up. Radar is busy fluffing Hawkeye’s pillow and organizing the room. 

 

burns

(To Trapper)

Are you still here?

 

Trapper

Thought I’d visit for a while.

 

Burns

How long will you be staying, I have personal business to take care of.

 

Trapper

If Sergeant Rudle has it her way, I’ll be here till after the war. Don’t worry major, I got enough chest hair for both of us.

 

 

Burns rips of his shirt and drops to the floor and starts a set of push ups. Trapper notices chest that Burns has an overabundance of chest hair.)

 

Trapper

Oh, maybe not. Jesus Christ, you just finished eight hours of surgery, and you need a work out.

 

BURNS

(Doing push ups) Haven’t you heard? War’s over, Captain. President has already declared mission accomplished. 

 

 

trapper

You mean I can take off these drab camouflage? Put on a pair of Dockers and a nice polo shirt and have dinner at Applebees in downtown Bagdad. Shall I make reservations for two? 

 

BURNS

Give it five years; we’ll be finished by then. There will be bicycle path and Starbucks down every road.

 

Trapper notices Radar cleaning the room.

 

Trapper

Hey, kid.  Take a break. You look tired.

radar

Thank you sir. But I don’t need much sleep. I take power naps.

 

Trapper

Well, how come you’re always taking care of Hawk? He already has a ten gallon ego. 

 

RADAR

Oh, I don’t mind, ma’am. I like hanging around him. He gives me confidence.

 

             TRAPPER

Me too, corporeal. He’s like a big brother.

 

MAJOR BURNS

(To Radar) You’re more like an indentured servant.

 

RADAR

Captain Pierce helps me with girl advice. They seem to be attracted to him.

 

Major BURNS

Oh come on, all of them? Every last woman on the face of the planet?

 

Trapper raises her drink.

 

Trapper

Excuse me?

 

Major Burns

I mean every hetero woman.

 

Trapper

Thank you.

 

             RADAR

Sure, they all love him. I haven’t met one that doesn’t.

 

 Burns

Major Houlihan despises him, she even told me so.

 

Trapper takes a very long drink from her glass.

 

radar

I don’t know about the major, Major. But most girls seem to come to him like he’s magnetic.

 

There is a knock at the door. It opens. It’s a drop-dead gorgeous woman (Hillary Nimitz, the woman television reporter Hawkeye saw while watch the news in his hotel room).

 

HILLARY

Hello, Hillary Nimitz NBC news. I have an interview scheduled with Captain Ben Pierce. 

 

They all stare at her blankly, surprised by the timing.

 

Radar

He’s in post op, ma’am.

 

HILLARY

And where exactly is that?

 

trapper

He’s in big green tent next to the little green tent, next to the big beige tent. He’s easy to spot —-he’s the only centaur on duty. 

 

Hillary leaves, confused. She points the way to a camera man in tow.  Both Burns and Radar are confused.

 

Burns

Centaur?

 

Trapper

You know, the mythical creature?  Half man, half horse —said to possess power of women. Who’s more like that than Hawk?

 

radar

Oh.  

 

int. post op - night

 

Hawkeye is washing his hands; he looks up and sees the lovely Hillary Nimitz. He turns and smiles.

 

HILLARY

Doctor, Pierce?

 

HAWKEYE

Call me Hawkeye.

 

HILLARY

Hillary Nimitz, NBC news. We have an interview scheduled.

 

Hawkeye

I know who you are. I’ve seen your work.

 

Hillary

Most people have, captain.

 

Hawkeye

I must tell you, you look much better in person. Especially your hair. I don’t think I’ve seen it outside of a combat helmet. 

 

Hillary

And, rest assured, I’m impervious to most attempts to fatter me. I’ve been embedded with troops for nearly five months.

 

Hawkeye

I’m not interested in whom you’ve been embedded with —the past is the past, right? I just hope you used protection.

 

 

Hillary

Protection? What do you mean by that?

 

Hawkeye

Ear plugs, of course —to resist all those compliments.

 

Hillary

Ear plugs are not necessary. The quality of the come ons are cheeky and easy enough resist.

 

Hawkeye

Things like, “I wonder what your hair would look like on a pillow.”

Hilliary

Lame —the intention is too obvious.

 

Hawkeye

How about, your eye’s look like miniature earths, on a cloudless day.

 

Hillary

Better.

 

Hawkeye

Or, my sudden cardiac arrhythmia makes me think I'm falling for you.

 

Hillary

Cute —but, you’re a doctor. I’m sure you’ve used it on every nurse in the field.

 

Hawkeye

All but one —nurse Rudle.

 

Hawkeye stands a little closer.

 

Hillary

I’m not impressed with your medical school minutia.

 

 

Hawkey

Oh really? You’re not? Did you know that you remind me of my old anatomy text book? You have all the right parts.

 

Hillary

 

Old text book? You’re getting cold, doctor.

 

 

Hawkeye

This situation is getting cold —I’m going to need hand warmers.

 

Hillary

Well then, are you quite finished? Have you gotten it out of your system? Your verbal foreplay is like watching a man masturbate in front of a mirror. It may work on American girls, but we English like to cut to the chase. Now, what’s say you and I get down to some real, hard journalism?

 

She grabs Hawkeye’s hips and kisses him madly, tears his shirt and exposes his hairy, beastly chest and smells him. Hawkeye is disoriented. 

 

Hillary

(Continued)

You smell like an animal —an animal that’s toiled all day in fertile pasture. I can’t bare to watch a man with four legs work so hard.

 

hawkeye

Four legs? What?

 

Hawkeye looks down at his legs —they are hooves, looks behind him at his tail. He’s become a centaur! He screams but his scream is stifled by mad kisses from Hillary.

 

cut to:

INT. THE SWAMP – NIGHT

 

Radar is sleeping in a chair. He wakes suddenly from his dream of Hawkeye and Hillary to see the real people walk into the room.

 

Hawkeye

Get lost everyone, we have a VIP reporter here to interview, lil’ ol’ me.

 

Hillary

I’m sorry to impose on your private time. Do you mind if we use this room for Captain Pierce’s interview?

 

Trapper

Not at all.

 

Burns

I have to hit the shower.

 

Radar

No ma’am, I don’t mind.

 

Radar walks by her uncomfortably, still processing his dream.

 

INT. Post op - night

 

Houlihan is busy tending to patients. She checks their charts and gives a few orders to the nurses. She checks the restraints of Victim # 1, readjusts them so that their “just right.” She checks another patient’s chart and sees a problem. She takes his temperature.

 

Houlihan

(To Nurse #3)

This man has a fever.

 

Nurse #3

Yes ma’am. We’ve been keeping an eye on it.

 

Houlihan

When was the last time it was checked?

 

Nurse #3

An hour ago, Major. It was going down. 

Houlihan

An hour ago? In post op?  His temperature has raised two degrees. Have you ordered a white blood count?

 

Nurse #3

Ma’am we don’t have the personnel to run blood test every half hour—

 

Houlihan

Of course we don’t, private. That’s why we prioritize. Clearly, he needs a blood test and the doctor needs to be alerted.

 

Radar

(V.O.) Major Houlihan to Colonel Blake’s office. Major Houlihan, you’re needed in Colonel Blake’s office.

 

Houlihan shoves the chart at Nurse #3.

 

HOULIHAN

We’ll finish this conversation later. As for now, I want that man’s temperature taken every 30 minutes until he’s ice cold or his white blood count is normal.

 

Nurse #3

Yes, Major.

 

Int. The Swamp – night

 

Camera man has set up his camera for the interview. There is an assistant with a headphone and clipboard, electrical equipment and a television with a live feed to the Today Show set in New York.

 

Assistant

Captain, Pierce. You’re all wired up. We’re live in five.

 

 

hawkeye

Live?

 

Assistant

Yes, see. Say hello to Matt. 

 

 

hawkeye

(Looks at television) Hello, Matt. 

 

             MATT

(From Television, cheery) Hello, Hawkeye.

 

hawkeye

Jesus Christ.

 

Hilliary

Just be yourself. Tell us what it’s like to be a serviceman in these early stages of the war. 

 

hawkeye

Easy for you to say —you were made for television. A Madonna of media with cheekbone swooshes and skin like an eggshell. Me? I don’t know. I’m a mess. I just finished eight hours of surgery.

 

Hillary

All the better, doctor. We want you to be yourself.  Just one thing —don’t flirt. It delegitimizes you and me both.

 

Hawkeye

That’s like asking me to bite my lip before a kiss, or to keep my hands to myself at a coed pajama party.

 

HIllary

And no coed jokes. America will think you’re a pervert.

 

assistant

We’re on in 5 . . 4. . . 3. . 

 

Assistant holds up two fingers and finishes counting. From the television Matt’s voice can be heard.

 

matt

Welcome back. We now continue with our introduction to American servicemen and women stationed in Iraq. Hillary Nimitz, our Baghdad correspondent has been meeting with military personnel, live, in the field. This morning’s servicemen is Captain Benjamin, Franklin Pierce, army surgeon, 4077th, 3rd Armored Division.  Hillary?

 

Hillary

Good Morning Matt, though here in allied forces so called “Green Zone”, the local time is 11:30pm, where Captain Pierce just fished a brutal eight hour stretch of surgery. So, Captain Pierce, I’m sure everyone back home is wondering about your name.

 

Hawkeye

Yes, my father was a big fan of Ben Franklin. Back then, the honorable Senator Daniel J. Peirce was a diplomat for the Carter administration. Ben Franklin was his idle.

 

Hilliary

Yes, your father is a democratic senator from Maine, and you are one of fifteen service men and women whom have a parent who serves in the congress.

 

Hawkeye

That’s what I’m told.

 

Hillary

Does his being in the senate affect your everyday life here in Iraqi?

 

Hawkeye

You bet it does. Why do you think I’m here in the green zone and not serving in the 516th in Pakistan?  He’s a good father and any father who loved his child would do the same.

 

Hilliary

Then why not Germany, or state side?

 

Hawkeye

I’m a field surgeon. Believe me if I were a dentist, I’d be stationed in Hawaii.

 

Hillary

In fact, you’re an exceptional surgeon. You have a streak of not losing one patient under the knife.

 

Hawkeye

We’re all exceptional. To be here and witness the worst that people can do to one another and not kick every dog you see, puts you in that category. But the truth is, I’m lucky and I’m persistent. For me, the human body is like a machine and all machines can be repaired —you just need the right tools.

 

Hillary

You’re nickname is Hawkeye, but you’re not from Iowa, are you?

 

            

HAWKEYE

I was given that name because of my ability to find shrapnel in traumatic wounds —a bit of a dubious honor. 

 

Hilliary

And how did it go in there? You received casualties from a market that was bombed today.   

 

Hawkeye

What can I tell you? There’s no describing it unless you are there, hemmed into the madness. We all get a thrill from it, like in sports. Only, life is the goal, keeping that person whole. Many doctors are vain creatures with severe personality disorders. People who need that kind of pressure to feel good about them selves. Would you want it any other way?     

 

hawkeye

And how do you protect yourselves from the heartache you see? The broken lives?

 

hawkeye

Find an emergency room doctor and you’ll find an addict. A person who needs to fill the void they feel when they do not measure up to their own ridiculous expectations. Some of us meditate, some of us exercise, sex, some of us have ridiculous senses of humor. Laughing at the inane helps keep you from going insane.      

 

 hillary

I see. Tomorrow, you’re due for an inspection by General Engelhardt. What will he see?

 

Hawkeye

All of it?

 

Hilliary

Care to be more specific?

 

Hawkeye

The Green Zone. A place dedicated to fixing and breaking the very lives it means to save.

 

Hillary

Thank you, Captain Pierce. Is there anything you’d like to say to America?

 

Hawkeye

 (Looks into camera, deadpan.) Yes I do. God bless America, and no one else.

 

Hilliary

(Pause) Matt, back to you. Hillary Nimitz reporting.

 

 

Int. Blake’s office – night

 

Camera follows Houlihan through the doors to Blake’s office, where he is sitting behind a desk. Lt. Brack is there, sitting. She stands and salutes. Houlihan takes in the situation.

 

Houlihan

What’s this all about, colonel?

 

Blake

I’ll bet you five of my finest cigars that you can guess exactly what this is all about Lt. Brack has brought some concerns to me—

Houlihan

Concerns? What type of concerns?

 

Blake

Major, you served two tours of duty at the 516th, hell’s kitchen, isn’t that right? There, you received the Distinguished Service Medal and commissioned a major. In your ten years in the service, you have received the Army Commendation Medal--

 

Lt. Brack

Sir, I have no problem with the major’s career.

 

 

BLAKE

Let me finish, lieutenant.

 

Lt. Brack

Yes, sir.

 

Blake

—the National Defense Service Medal as well as the United Nations Service Medal. When this command opened, your CO personally advocated for you. He described you as “fly by the book”, strict and efficient. Does that all sound correct, major?   

 

Houlihan

Yes, sir.

Blake

That sounds like you to me, too. How about you, lieutenant?

 

 

Lt. Brack

Sir, the major has a distinguished. 

 

blake

So help me out, lieutenant. Why are you here? I mean, if you have something to say, I’d like you to say it here, with your commander in front of us both. I mean, you’re supposed to have her back, and not biting it!

 

Lt. Brack

Sir, I came here to voice my concerns to you in private.

 

Blake

In fact, I happen to agree with you. This place isn’t regular army and the folks here can be a little too sensitive —but that’s why the major is here and that’s what you’re going to help her understand. Let’s get started on it now, eleven hours before a three star general comes to put a microscope up our ass sideways! So, let’s try and forget this insubordination, pissing and moaning business and have a friendly chat about how you nurses can get along better. Catch my drift?    

 

Houlihan

I’m not here to make friends, colonel.

 

Blake

Indeed you’re not, major.  And even though the lieutenant has made a serious lack of judgment by belly-aching like a market pig after exactly one day of serving under you, her concern should be taken seriously. To you, and then to me. That’s how the chain of command works. 

 

Houlihan

Sir, what exactly are the lieutenants concerns?

 

Blake

For Christ’s sake, she’s right there!

Houlihan

I’d prefer to hear it from you, sir.

 

Blake

Fine. Let me put it this way. You are here major to get my nurse corps, battlefield ready. In the process, they will need your respect, your compassion and your guidance.

 

Houlihan

As opposed to what, sir? 

 

Blake

As opposed to their submission, major.

 

 

A long pause becomes an uncomfortable silence. The two women look at each other from the corners of their eyes. Blake finally speaks.

 

blake

(Continued)

Now you and the lieutenant —her name is Kelly by the way, I think you know that —have a lot to discuss don’t you? Why don’t you go have a cup of tea and discuss it? And let me know if I should have Radar drop by with a plate of cookies on a doily. Ok?  Do I make myself clear? Dismissed.

 

cut to:

 

Ext. Outside of blakes office — night

 

Houlihan and Brack exit doors, Houlihan steps in front of Brack.

 

Houlihan

Let’s talk, lieutenant. 

 

Brack

Yes, ma’am.

 

Houlihan

You’re a bright woman, hard worker. You’re probably looking to make captain, one day, or dare I say, major?

 

Brack

Yes ma’am I am.

 

Houlihan

Well, let me tell you something. If you ever do an end run around me again, I’ll snap your ass back to bed pans and sponge baths. Do you understand me?

 

Brack

Permission to speak freely, ma’am.

 

Houlihan

You mean to my face? Without talking to the colonel first? A fine time to start. By all means, please do.

 

Brack

You are crass. You are snotty. You are a walking, aggressive, tangle of nerves and shame.   You have only been here a day, major, and already you’ve managed to make everyone under your command feel unworthy of satisfying your expectations. The people under you are scared, shaky. They’re making stupid mistakes around you; just because of you’re in the room. Someone’s going to get hurt, ma’am. I went to Colonel Blake because, in one day, I watched you unravel the confidence and professionalism that took me months to build with this team. 

 

Houlihan

Oh, I feel so sorry for you soldier.

 

Brack

You see —that’s just it. You —and me, we joined the army because we wanted to be soldiers. You probably had a dad in the army, just like me. An army brat without a hometown. You probably liked basic training. But the nurses —see? They enlisted for a career, not a war. Some of them didn’t even go to boot camp. They didn’t join to shoot people, and they sure as hell didn’t join because of the failings of civilian society off the base. They joined the service to help people, to help themselves and to be around other people who want the same, and respect them for that.

 

Houlihan

I don’t give a damn why they joined the army. Like it or not lieutenant, they joined the armed service and they are in a war. I’ve seen the kind of war that down the road from Pakistan and it is nasty, and it is bloody and what they will see is going to break their little hearts. 

 

Brack

Yes, ma’am. That is probably true. But do they have to be at war with you?

 

FADE IN: Shrill music, sentimental that climbs in urgent, chaotic tones, plays through next scene. (Writer suggests, “Fake Palindromes” by Andrew Bird.)

int. Houlihan’s tent – night

 

Houlihan is in her tent, putting on makeup and sexy lingerie. There is a bottle of whiskey next to her and from time to time, she takes a shot. In the mirror she straps on pieces of the lingerie like sensual armor. When she is finished she covers it all up with a long coat. Houlihan looks in the mirror once more and then heads out the door. Outside, she walks through the camp with a stern look on her face. She passes The Swamp, peaks through a window and hears Trapper and Hawkeye laughing about the recent interview. She walks on, to the showers. She peaks in, enters. There is a man showering. It is Major Burn.

 

burns

Who’s there?   

 

Houlihan

It’s me Frank. 

 

Burns

Margaret, what are you doing in the men’s shower?

 

Houlihan

Let me show you.

 

She drops her coat and approaches the shower stall. Burns is hesitant, but submissive. Houlihan dominates him sexually, screwing him against the stall. We see shots of her high hill shoes and Burn’s naked feet, her make up running down her face, water running down their body. Burns is loud and is sometimes running from her. He even squeals. Finally, Houlihan grabs him, pulls him close and enjoys a powerful orgasm. A few people outside the tent can hear them. They walk by, wondering what the hell is going in there.

 

Int. Post op –night

 

Trapper is sitting next to the wounded lieutenant. She is checking his pulse and vitals.

 

trapper

You seem to be recovering nicely, lieutenant.

 

Lieutenant

I feel sore all over.

 

trapper

Shock. Your body is resetting. Adrenalin spikes take time to normalize. You may even feel physiological depression.

 

Lieutenant

PTSD?

 

Trapper

Post traumatic stress disorder is common, even for seasoned solders.   

 

Lieutenant

Christ, you make it sound like erectile dysfunction.  

 

Trapper

I can’t speak for that —but PTSD, I experienced first hand. There’s no shame.

 

Lieutenant

You’ve seen action?

 

Trapper

Sure, more than I need. Painful situations, shocking and terrible —things my human brain couldn’t process seeing. Even as a doctor. Real depressing things that made think I’d never smile again.  (Pauses) That’s what you saw too, Lieutenant. The edge of the abyss? Things you never knew, you never wanted to see.

 

Lieutenant

Yes captain.

 

Trapper

I’m going to recommend that you see Dr. Sidney Freedman, he’s a specialist with this kind of thing. 

 

Lieutenant

You mean psychologist —no way captain. How am I going to send my men off to do crazy shit, if they think I’m crazy myself? If they got one whiff of me seeing a shrink, they’d question my every command. No way.

 

Trapper

It’s not a request. It’s an order.

 

Lieutenant

Fine. It’s your call, doc. But I don’t have to play ball. If you know what I mean?

 

trapper

Lieutenant, in the real world it’s not a game. That loud noise your daughter just made? Those Arab men at your neighborhood mosque? What about that car that’s driving slowly down your street? Do you want to take that kind of hell following you home?

 

Lieutenant

Ok, captain. I’ll play ball. 

 

             TRAPPER

That’s the right call, solider.

 

Lieutenant

You know this Dr. Freedman well?

 

Trapper

I got him on speed dial.

 

 

From the other side of the room, a voice is heard. A man appears from the shadows: Lt. COLONEL FLAGG. He is dressed in a crisp uniform, with silver oaks leave (the rank of Lt. Colonel) pinned in the center of his cap. He has dark features and a serious look on his face.  

 

Flagg

War, by its very nature is physiological, captain.   Without enduring its stress, how do you know the harm caused on your enemy? 

 

 

trapper

Who the hell are you?

 

 

FLAGG

Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent's fate. Sun Tzu.

 

 

Trapper

Are you kidding? This is post op, there are no enemies here. 

 

Flagg

Easy Captain. Lt. Colonel Samuel Flagg, army intelligence —at least that’s what I’ve told you.  If I were you, I’d belay that order to see a shrink. Shrinks make a soldier soft and weak in the middle, where it counts. In fact, I haven’t met a shrink that I haven’t wanted to punch in the neck. As for there being no enemies here, I beg to differ. I’ve been sent to interrogate the sand jockey your that your trawl net dragged in this afternoon.

 

trapper

No one here is in any condition to talk.

 

flagg

Blinking will be just fine.

 

Flagg touches Victim #1’s jugular and looks at his watch.

 

flagg

(continued) Whoever tied these restrains is a real pro.

 

trapper

Are you insane? Get your hands off that man. 

 

Flagg

Incase you haven’t noticed, I out rank you captain.

 

Trapper

Not in a hospital, you don’t. Touch him again and I’ll have your ass that sling over there.

 

Flagg

By you and what army?  

 

Trapper snaps her finger and two military police officers step forward. 

 

trapper

(To MP) Sergeant —if anyone other than a nurse or a doctor touches this man, I order you to shoot them.

 

sargent

Yes, ma’am.

 

Flagg takes his finger off the patient.

 

 

Flagg

Have it your way, doctor. But the moment this man is fit, his sandy ass-crack belongs to me.

 

int. basement of terrorist cell - night

 

Arab men are working on a project with lots of chemicals. They are packing them into bags and carefully placing them inside of a car. The camera pans to a wall where a flyer for the 4077th talent show is hanging. One of the men closes the trunk on the camera and the screen goes dark.

 

 

Int. the swamp and other locations around camp —night

 

The camp is quiet and all are asleep. A “floating” camera finds all the characters with various expressions on their face. Burns is sleeping like a baby. (A song with lilty, sleepy notes plays in the background. Writer suggests “While You Were Sleeping” by Elvis Perkins.)  Trapper is next to him in a cot, with her knitting project in her hands. Hawkeye is restless, but his eyes are closed. Radar is sleeping in a chair next to his bed, a teddy bear in his hand, lying on the floor. Houlihan has a wicked, satisfied grin on her lips. Father Mulchay looks angelic. Blake has a “Breathe Right” strip over his nose and a sleeping mask.  Lieutenant Brack looks worried. The wounded lieutenant is twitchy and victim #1 is out cold, with Colonel Flagg staring at him menacingly. The camera finds Hawkeye again, restless. He wakes and goes outside and watches a moon setting before a United States flag. All around him, he hears the sounds of war: random gunshots and blasts. He seems to be taking it all in, too much of it, until finally he goes back into the tent, takes some pills, followed by a martini chaser. He gets back into bed, staring off into the distances: worried expression after worried expression passes over his face, until he finally falls asleep, smiling.  

 

EXT. Snow Covered Field --Night  

Heavy breathing can be heard and the crunch of footsteps. Paw prints can be made out. A hole in the snow is discovered, blood surrounds the rim, and steam rises from the darkness. A shill noise fills the night.

 

INT. THE SWAMP –MORNING

Hawkeye wakes from the dream to the sound of a military trumpet. He slowly gets out of bed.

 

ext. Assmbly area — army base –day

A caravan of cars enters the base. A hummer with three stars stops and an MP opens the door. Personnel from the 4077th are in formation, wearing their dress uniforms. Blake and Radar approach GENERAL ENGELHARDT and exchange salutes.

 

blake

Welcome to the 4077th, General. 

 

Engelhardt

Thank you, colonel. I’m looking forward to reviewing your personnel.

 

Blake

They are looking forward to being reviewed, sir.

 

Engelhardt

Mobile army surgical hospitals have a fine tradition in the service —our soldiers need to know that, god forbid, if they are injured, Uncle Sam and his relatives are going to go all out for them.

 

Blake

Yes sir, that’s the idea here. We do what we can to patch them up and then ship out to more advanced facilities in Germany and Turkey. As the general is aware, there have been major technological advancements in supporting combat wounded.

 

Engelhardt

Well, Henry. Shall we?   

 

Blake

Yes, right sir. 

 

Blake steps aside, allowing the general to begin reviewing the personnel.  The first person he reviews is Major Burns who gives him a snappy salute.

 

Burns

An honor to meet you, sir.

 

Engelhardt

(Not looking at Burns, instead he is watching Houlihan.) The pleasure’s all mine.

 

The next person is Houlihan who gives him an him an awkward salute.

 

Engelhardt

Good to see you Margaret. I heard you were promoted. Keep up the fine work.

 

 

Houlihan

Thank you, sir.

 

The next person he sees is Father Mulchay with a black eye.

 

Engelhardt

(continued) Performing an exorcism last night, father? 

 

 

Mulchay

No sir, exorcisms are phony. The only demons that exist inside a man are the ones that he himself has created. 

 

Engelhardt

Right. I’ll have to catch your Sunday mass.

 

Engelhardt walks by Trapper. Sees the medal and gives her a sharp looking salute. 

 

Engelhardt

The combat medal, Afghanistan. Well done solider.

 

Now it is Hawkeye’s turn. 

 

Engelhardt

(continued) Captain Pierce, what do you have to say for yourself?

 

Hawkeye

You blow them up, and I sow them up, sir!

 

Engelhardt returns Hawkeye’s ironic salute.  Blake is in tow and frowns at Hawkeye. Engelhardt moves to Lt. Brack and salutes.  Next is Klinger, who is wearing a fancy dress with his corporal insignias stitched to his shoulders. The outfit is complete with purse and accessories. He has the look of a hardened combat soldier on his face.

 

Engelhardt

Soldier! What the hell is this!?

 

Klinger

 

Jay Crew catalogue, ¾ length, summer dress, scooped neckline and vertical pleats. I am also wearing a jaded cotton blouse, with a beautiful muted luster, if I do say so myself, sir.

 

Engelhardt

No, soldier! I mean, what the hell is this all about?

 

Klinger

Oh. Don’t ask, don’t tell, sir!  

 

Engelhardt takes in the sight of Klinger again and then looks at Blake who only shrugs.

 

Blake

Shall we continue with the review, sir?

 

Engelhardt follows Blake’s lead, moving down the line, continuing his review of the troops as Klinger stands at attention.

 

EXT. arround the base – montage/w music background - Day 

 

The Camp is busy with day to day operations. A few shots of Engelhardt inspecting the facilities with Blake and Radar giving him a tour. A helicopter flies in with more wounded and a crew rushes the patients into surgery. Engelhardt is in medical scrubs observing the action. Lt. Brack and Houlihan can be seen working together, impersonally. General Engelhardt is having a drink with Trapper, Hawkeye and Blake in the officer’s club playing the game “Operation” and failing miserably because they are drunk. DR. SYDNEY FREEDMAN arrives via Hummer and takes in the camp. He has a brief case and asks Klinger directions without batting an eyelash.

 

Freedman

Corporeal, where is post op?

klinger

This way captain.

 

Freedman

J.Crew catalogue? Spring collection? 

 

Klinger

Yes, sir.

freedman

My wife loves that collection. She just dropped a grand reinventing her self. Personally, I think she’s too old for J.Crew. It’s time for both you to move on to Anne Taylor.

Klinger,

Yes sir. Thank you sir.

 

The nurses are rehearsing a dance for the talent show and Houlihan walks by them dejected. Father Mulcahy is working out on a bunching bag, with Rodriquez holding it firm. Burns puts on his bicycle jersey and rides off through the guard post. Trucks with troops are coming and going. A few tanks roll in. A solder with a “It’s a Holy War Bitch” tee-shirt strolls by. In a room, some soldiers are watching a news cast with coverage of the war; events that suggest things are heating up. The last scene is Blake in his office with Engelhardt.     

 

Engelhardt

A fine outfit, Henry.

 

Blake

Thank you, sir.

 

Radar pours Engelhardt and Blake a scotch.  They toast.

 

Engelhardt

They’re a little green, but soon enough, they’ll be seasoned.

Blake

We’ve been tested a few times.

 

Engelhardt

They haven’t seen enough. But that’s the nature of war —you don’t really know what you’ve got until the shit hits the fan. 

 

Blake

Yes, sir. How’s the war going?

 

Engelhardt

Not well, despite what they’re hearing at home.  I don’t like having all our eggs behind this god damn wall. Makes us sitting ducks. We need to crawl out of here before what’s out there gets inside.

 

Blake

Yes, sir. Very different than Vietnam, sir.

 

Engelhardt

Hell, this place makes Vietnam look like a summer winnie roast — with boy scouts in tutus. (drinks his shot) You know, the president is leaning on us pretty hard. He wants results, but you know what I told him? I told him that we should have first considered invading the Brox —as a dry run, to prep for Baghdad.  That’s what it’s like out there, Henry.

 

Blake

Don’t worry sir, I’m sure with a little, good old fashion American know-how, all of Baghdad will be sipping coke-cola from shiny bottles real soon.

 

 

     cut to: 

ext. Baghdad city street –day

 

Burns rides by same two boys from earlier. They are drinking coke. One of them throws a bottle and it hits him in the head and he crashes into a fruit stand. The boys run away.

 

int. Post op – Day

 

Trapper and freedman are standing over the wounded lieutenant.

 

trapper

Lieutenant, this is Sydney Freedman.

Lieutenant

   The shrink.

 

Freedman

Yes, the head shrinker —if you will. Nice to meet you lieutenant. It sounds to me like you could use a little head shrinking. 

 

lieutenant

Anything to get me back to my unit.

 

freedman

You only have a mild concussion, but you’re symptoms are much more severe.

 

Lieutenant

Are you suggesting that I’m faking these injuries?

 

Lieutenant

On the contrary. Avoidance of stimuli associated with trauma increases anger and hypervigilance —these are not psychosomatic symptoms. Mental suffering results when stress overwhelms a person, causing real emotional effects, often displayed as physical symptoms.    

 

trapper

Hey doc, how bout plain English for us mutants.

 

Freedman

A healthy body cannot exist without a healthy mind. 

 

A fuzzy image appears in the center of the screen. You can see a “red medical plus” on the image’s hat. The image sharpens. It is Klinger in a nurse’s costume. Victim # 1 sees him and is very confused.

 

         (In Arabic with translation in inlay)

 

klinger

Well, well. Looks who’s waking up.

 

Victim #1

(He looks at his wrists that are in restraints) What is happening?

klinger

That’s why I’m here —to let you know that you are healing nicely.

victim #1

When can I go home?

 

Klinger

The doctors say that you busted a major artery. As soon as it’s finished healing, you’re free to go. 

 

Victim # 1

How long is that?

 

Klinger

Two days, I guess.

 

The victim puts his head down disappointed. He sees more of Klinger’s outfit —stocking. 

 

victim #1

How come you are dressed like a woman?

Klinger

That’s a great question. It’s because I don’t want to be a soldier any more. I want my superiors to think I’m crazy and then kick me out of the army.

 

Victim #1

If you want to leave that badly, why don’t you just desert?

 

klinger

I joined the army and became a U.S. citizen. I moved my family to Toledo, Ohio. After 9/11 everything changed. Our neighbors stopped talking to us, inviting us to birthdays and recitals. Now my wife and daughter want to go back to Lebanon because I am away so much.  I think Ohio is a better place than Lebanon. I told her to give America one more chance.  Americans are the best people in the world at learning from their mistakes. She agreed to stay, but only if I come home. I requested a leave, but they told me no. If I quit, I’m no longer a citizen, but if the army kicks me out, I get to back to Toledo. 

 

Victim # 1

That makes sense —but why not just pretend to be criminally insane, or deranged or something?

 

klinger

Are you kidding? They’d promote me to general.

 

 

EXT. Outside of Blake’s office –day

 

Blake and Radar are seeing the general off. His caravan of military vehicles are revved up and ready to go. Soldiers are saluting him as he passes and one is holding a door open.

 

engelhardt

Henry. You watch your ass.

 

Blake

Yes, sir.

 

englehardt

Better yet, Radar —you watch his ass.

 

radar

Yes, sir. I’ll keep a very close watch on the colonel’s ass. (Blushes)

 

The Hummers and motorcycles roll off. Henry lets out a breath.

blake

Great —now I can let down my leotards.

 

radar

Really, sir?

 

Blake looks at Radar with disbelief and then lights a cigar.

 

Blake

Yeah, really.

int. mess hall – day

 

Soldiers are waiting in line. Flagg enters. He looks around the room and overhears a private imitating general Engelhardt for another private.

 

PVT. #5

This base is in optimal form, top notch, A-grade. I’m proud to be your general.

 

Flagg

In wartime, imitating a superior officer is a form of treason, punishable by death.

 

He takes the private’s tray and cuts the line.

 

INT. Officer’s Table, Mess Hall –day

Hawkeye sits next to Trapper and Radar at a table. He has a MRE (Meals Ready to Eat) dish and rolls it open.

 

hawkeye

Oh my, what is that? Wait, wait, don’t tell me. Fennel and lavender roasted loin of lamb,

sweetbread & roasted shallot stuffing, buttered pole bean fricassée and . . . wait . . . don’t tell me . . .plum tomato and olive tapenade!

 

trapper

Meatloaf you jack-ass. Have you lost your mind?

 

Hawkeye

Lost my mind? The power to see the world around you exactly as you want is purely a matter of will. So go ahead, eat that meatloaf. I’m having what my mind is cooking…

 

trapper

Sounds to me like you’ve been dipping into your own medical cabinet. It’s locked it for a reason.   

 

Flagg steps up to a full table. He looks at Radar.

 

flagg

Corporal, this is the officer’s mess, get lost before I invoke extraordinary rendition on your ass.

Radar runs off.

 

hawkeye

That’s no way to treat the help.

 

flagg

The name’s Flagg, Lt. Colonel. Army intelligence.

 

Hawkeye

Army intelligence?

 

Trapper

Don’t bother, too easy.

 

Hawkeye

You’re right. (To Flagg) Pleased to me you --The people call me Hawkeye. 

 

 

Flagg

I already know who you are, captain. Benjamin Franklin Pierce. Army surgeon. You have a file like a rash on our computers. 

 

Hawkeye

I take that back. I’m unpleased to meet you.

 

 

Trapper

Hawk. This is the guy I was telling you about. It’s like we’re in a spy film.

 

Hawkeye

I wish it were a snuff film. How can we help you colonel? (Hold’s up his chocolate milk) Would you like a little Santa Lucia Highlands, Pinot Noir?

 

Flagg

I want to talk about Mohamed Abdul-Haqq.

 

hawkeye

(Swishing the milk in his mouth) Ripe and aromatic, mouthwatering acidity. The spicy aromas are intriguing.

 

flagg

That man is a suspected insurgent and I need to debrief him, ASAP.

hawkeye

You people think everyone in this country is an insurgent, and guess what —you’re right! You know why, it’s there country!

 

flagg

I’m not here to debate politics with you Mr. my daddy got me into Harvard because he’s in the senate. I have my orders. (Holds up sheet of paper.) But first I need you to sign this document certifying that he’s fit to interrogate.

 

 

Hawkeye

Over my dead body.

 

flagg

I know exactly five ways to make a corps sign papers.  

 

Hawkeye

I believe you.

 

Trapper

I wan’na see that.

 

Hawkeye

Look —I don’t care who the hell you are. I’m not going to sign any paper that guarantees a patient of mine is going to be tortured.

 

Flagg

Water boarding, captain. We don’t torture, remember? We just splash a little water on them.

 

 trapper

Sound fun —I like water boarding. I use to do with my pa on Lake Charles. I get wedgies, though.   

 

hawkeye

I don’t care what you creeps call it, Flagg. I won’t be a part of it.

 

Flagg

You sound like a sympathizer.

 

hawkeye

Sympathizer? What is this 1955?

 

Peirce breaks into an impression of MacArthur using a vegetable on the table as a pipe. Flagg picks of Pierce’s glass of chocolate milk —finishes it.

 

Flagg

1955 was a good year for Pinot Noir, captain. The blood spilled in the vineyards added a complex flavor to grapes.  You want to play with reality? No one can do that better than me.  (Tosses empty milk carton to Hawkeye.) We’ll just see what your commanding officer has to say. I’m sure he won’t mind letting me have a crack at your insurgent comrade.

 

Flagg leaves the table. Hawkeye stands up.

 

Trapper

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? (As she follows him towards the door.) But what about your Hippocratic Oath?

 

The two head out the door.

 

ext. guard post - day

 

Burns rides into camp with an arm in a brace made from a bicycle inter-tube and a shirt tied around his head. The boarder guards watch him pass, confused.

int. Post Op –day

Freedman is bedside the lieutenant having a conversation.

 

Freeman

Lieutenant, I’d like to begin what’s called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

 

Lieutenant

What’s that all about doc?

 

Freeman

In cognitive therapy, I help you understand and change how you think about your trauma and its aftermath. Your goal is to understand how certain thoughts about your trauma cause you stress and make your symptoms worse.

 

lieutenant

Hell, doc. What’s so special about me? There must be a hundred guys out there that saw what I saw.

 

Freedman

Most soldiers who exit the battlefield don’t have the luxury of a shrink so soon after a trauma. In a way, you’re lucky to have been injured. It gives us time to talk. 

 

Lieutenant

When do we start? 

 

freedman

I’d like to find a more private place. Let me see if I can scare something up.

 

Lieutenatn

I’d appreciate that, doc.

 

 

Camera moves to Klinger and Victim #1.

 

klinger

So how did you get in this mess?

 

Victim #1

 

I was on my way to the market, to by some dates and some good coffee. My aunt decided to splurge, you know. Things have been a wreck for so long. I was on my when I noticed some children playing soccer with a new ball. You don’t see brand new balls often. So I stopped and watched them play with some soldiers. A man told them not to play with the Americans —that they were infidels and murderers, but some of us shouted at him to let them play. I joined them, and so others did as well.

  

klinger

You should work for the United Nations.

victim #1

I didn’t see the harm in playing. I am worried that there are men from another country standing in my neighborhood with guns, but what if George Bush is right? What if they do really want to free us? My uncle says that I’m crazy to believe this, but I told him that this is the same country with Martin Luther King.  

 

  Klinger

So when did all hell break lose?

 

Victim #1

When I heard the horn. A car was moving through the crowd. I thought it was another taxi in a hurry, but the people were moving away fast, some of them being knocked down. When I saw the car, it was covered with junk, and I knew it was the vehicle of a bomber. I ran as fast as I could, but I could not get through the crowd. The bomb went of near the children. I don’t think that any of them lived. I was blown to the ground. I saw feet and heard screams and another car horn, then I woke up, here. (pauses, and Klingler is moved) Water, I’m thirsty.

 

             KLINGER

(Looks at the teenager’s restraints)

Yeah, right. Here you go.

 

Klinger hold the man cup to his face with a straw. The man takes a sip.

 

victim #1

There are some of the shahids at the mosque are very angry that the Americans are here. They tell us that if we die a martyr, the faithful will be allotted 72 virgins apiece. 

 

 

Klinger

The Koran says many things, some of which has been elaborated, and twisted for the purpose of man, not Mohamed.

 

Victim #1

That is easy for you to say. You have a wife and a child. It is easy to want 72 virgins when some many of our women are concealed from us boys who want to meet them.

 

Klinger

That is only where you live, and the time you live in. Trust me, there are many beautiful, Muslim girls who want to meet you just as badly as you want to meet them, here on earth.      

 

Klinger offers the teenager more water. When Hawkeye and Trapper enter the room in a hurry, he his startled and coughs on the water. Hawkeye hurry to his side, preparing a hypodermic needle. The teenager struggles and fights. 

 

Klinger

Captain, what the hell is going on?

Hawkeye

There’s a colonel here who says he’s from army intelligence who wants to introduce our friend an iron maiden, and I don’t mean the kick-ass rock band. Tell him what we’re doing is for his own good.

 

Klinger begins blurting something in Arabic, but it does not calm the teenager down. He protests loudly as Hawkeye jabs the needle in his neck. Soon, the teenager becomes unconscious. 

 

Klinger

Holy crap, what the hell was that stuff?

Trapper

Something that will make him look like a vampire until we can get him out of here.

 

Int. Blake’s Office – day

 

Flagg is waiting for Hawkeye and Trapper to arrive. He stands up when they enter.

 

trapper

Look, Hawk. It’s that guy again.

 

Hawkeye

Yeah, I know him. If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.

 

Trapper

You’re right.

 

Flagg

I once interrogated a couple of characters like you —they had a lot of fun —until it was clear to them who was in control.

 

Hawkeye

Must have been quite an evening? Did they tip you? Did you use protection?

 

BLAKE

I can see that you’ve already met each other.

 

Hawkeye

Oh, yes —Doctor Demento here? Sure. He’s the nice man who wants’ torture our patients.  

 

Flagg

Colonel, Blake. The army suspects that insurgents have been casing the area, as a means of planning an attack. It wouldn’t surprise us at all if some of them resorted to injuring themselves to have access to the green zone. 

 

Hawkeye

That boy in post op? Are you serious? He has a shoulder that looks like it’s been in a meat grinder.

 

Flagg

The mind can make a fool of pain, and pain can make a fool of the mind.

 

Hawkeye

That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

 

Trapper

He’s not stupid, he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.

 

Blake

That’s it you two! The Lt. Colonel is here on official business. Furthermore, he has a right to investigate suspicious activities and persons who threaten security. Need I remind you, this is a war.

 

Hawkeye

But not at the sacrifice of our patience, right? 

 

Flagg

That boy was coming around, last I checked.

 

Trapper

Where the hell did you get your medical degree, Flagg? We’re the doctors, here, and you’re the spook. 

 

Flagg

             (laughs)

Sir, (to Blake) I beg your pardon, I’m not used to this kind of insubordination. If it’s all the same to you, can you check the patient yourself, see if he’s fit to transport?

 

Blake

Transport? Where?

 

Flagg

That, is classified.

 

Blake

I’m a colonel. I out rank you.

 

Flagg

If I told you, I’d have—

 

Blake

Kill me?

Flagg

No, sir. We can do much worse than that.

 

ext. camp - day

 

Hummers roll into camp and Radar is directing traffic. Some of the men jump off vehicles with minor injuries. Houlihan is looking them over. Radar singles out one soldier.

 

radar

You guys coming in from Nasiriyah?  

 

PfC # 1

Yes, corporal. It’s smokin’ hot up there.

 

radar

A lot of action?

 

PFC #1

Hell yes —like jumping out of a plane on fire and then landing in front of a shit-storm train out of hell.

 

Radar

Whoa. You see any insurgent guys?

 

PFC #1

We saw people shooting at us and I didn’t give a fuck who they were.

 

Radar

Whoa.

 

PCF

(stops walking)

You ever seen action, corporal?

 

Radar

Who, me? I’m a clerk.

 

PCF # 1

Some people would call you a lucky bastard, but not me. Whoo —hah.  

 

PFC # 1 lights a cigarette and leaves the scene. Houlihan spots Burns, who is wounded, trying to direct traffic.

 

Houlihan

Major, what the hell happened to you?

 

Burns

Some sniveling kids . . .  (because of the tinder treatment, he changes his story mid sentence) . . . I mean, insurgents gave me the business outside of camp.

 

Houlihan

Oh my lord, it looks broken. I told you bicycling in a war zone was a dumb idea! Why won’t you doctors listen to anyone other than your mothers?  (To Radar) Corporal, get the major to triage. Have Lt. Brack get some x-rays immediately.  

 

Burns

Margret, there are other patients that need to be tended to.

 

Houlihan

And none of them are Neurosurgeons with hands that can save a life. (She kisses them.) Oh, Frank! You’ll receive a purple heart for this.

 

Burns

I will? (Corrects himself) I’ll in deed.

HOULIHAN

A decorated officer. My, my. How sexy is that?

 

Houlihan sucks on one of his fingers.

 

int. Post-op – day

Hawkeye, Trapper, Blake, Klinger and Flagg are standing around Victim # 1.

 

flagg

What happened to him? When I saw him last he lucid. 

 

Hawkeye

We don’t know. Venous thrombosis maybe, aneurysm caused by scar tissue blockage.

 

Trapper

Or basal atelectasis, minor lung collapse. Shock, blood loss, acute myocardial infarction, pulmonary embolism, septicaemia . . .

Flagg

Sounds like a bunch of hocus-pocus, nonsense to me. How soon until he’s mine, captains?  

 

trapper

Could be days until he snaps out of it —or longer. I hope he doesn’t go coma on us.

 

Hawkeye

Or cosmic (makes angel wings with his hands and they float off). Then you’d have to meet him in the afterlife.

 

Trapper

I think they’ll be on separate trains, if you know what I mean.

 

Flagg

Enough. What I do for my country is not to be lampooned. I save lives.

 

Hawkeye

Are you saying we’re in the same business? Impressive dilution.  That’s like saying a pig and a farmer work together for a common interest.

 

Trapper

Hmmm. Bacon.

 

flagg

(To Blake)

Colonel —I have my orders. If I have to go over your head to end this game of footsy with your doctors, trust me, I will do so.

 

Blake

Flagg, you have your orders, and these doctors have their priorities. Until I hear from your chain of command, piss off.

 

Flagg leaves. Blake waits a beat, then checks on Victim #1.

 

blake

Flumazenil?

 

Hawkeye

No, Midazolam.

 

Blake

How long can you keep him that way?

 

hawkeye

A day —maybe two.

 

Blake

What then? I hope you have a plan B, smart guy.

 

EXT. Camp – night – day - night

 

Camp moves in fast motion, day to night, day to night. The sun blazes across the sky faster and faster. Helicopters land, wounded come and go. Hawkeye and Trapper are seen practicing for the talent show. Houlihan is taking care of Burn’s arm. Klinger is looking in on Victim # 1 and Hawkeye administering more drugs. Dr. Freeman talks with the injured lieutenant, who is in a wheelchair in a different room. The moon comes up and slows to normal speed.

Int. Nurse’s Quarters –night

 

Lt. Brack is on her cell phone. A voice can be heard through the phone.

 

Mother

(voice over)

Oh, baby. It’s so hot here. You wouldn’t believe how hot it is.

 

Lt. Brack

Momma, please don’t tell me how hot you are, I’m in a desert.

 

Mother

(voice over)

I know, I know. Baby, it’s so good hear your voice. Did you know it’s 90 degrees in Atlanta today, and with the humidity — girl, I’m telling you, it’s hot. Wait a minute; let me get your Auntie Evelyn on the other phone. She’ll tell you how hot it is.

Lt. Brack

Momma —you don’t need to get Auntie on the phone —I know it’s hot there, it’s hot here too.

Mother

No baby, it can’t be as hot as here.

Lt. Brack

Well, it’s the middle of the night here, and I’m still hot.

 

mother

(voice over)

Evelyn, pick up the phone, Twyla’s on the phone.

 

Evelyn

(voice over)

Hi baby girl —do you know how hot it is, today?

 

Lt. Brack

I know, it’s hot.

 

Evelyn

(VOICE OVER)

Baby girl —it’s so hot I had to turn on all the fans in the house and run up my electricity bill. Did you know I couldn’t even hear Montel Williams tell us about a model who only eats cotton balls and egg whites to keep thin? Ain’t that crazy? Baby, are you doing ok?

 

Lt. Brack

I’m fine, Auntie. I miss you guys. I’ll see you in a few weeks.   

 

Evelyn

(VOICE OVER)

Are you hot, baby?

 

Lt. Brack

Yes, I’m hot.

 

Major Houlihan enters the room.

 

Lt. Brack

(Cont.)

Ladies, I have go now. I love ya’ll. Tell my babies I miss them.

 

Houlihan

I’m sorry to interrupt, Lieutenant.

 

Lt. Brack

Oh, it’s quite alright. All they ever talk about back home is how hot it is —never mind that I’m in the Middle East.

 

Houlihan

You have children?

 

Lt. Brack

Yes, ma’am. A boy and a girl.

 

Houlihan

What are their names?

 

 

Elihu is seven, and his sister, Latasha is 5. I don’t know who has a tougher job, me in a war zone, or their father back home.

 

Houlihan

It must be difficult to be so far away from them.

 

 

Lt. Brack.

Yes ma’am. I’d prefer not to talk about it. Talking about them only makes my heart ache.  

 

  Houlihan

I understand —well actually, I don’t. I decided a long time ago that children would be an unnecessary liability.

 

Lt. Brack

That’s a funny way to put it, ma’am. I tend to think of them as a necessary liability. 

 

Houlihan

Of course.

Lt. Brack

 

Is there problem, ma’am?

 

Houlihan

I do have some things I’d like to fine tune —mainly duty roosters and equipment. I’m perplexed as to why the army is willing to shrink-wrap a tank to keep sand out of it, but not do the same for a life support machine (abruptly stops).  Actually, Lieutenant, I have a persona request. I feel quite vulnerable asking you this.   

 

Lt. Brack

You, vulnerable? What on earth could that mean?

 

Houlihan

Well, you see. I noticed that you and the others are putting together an act for the talent show.  

Lt. Brack

Yes, major.

Houlihan

And I was wondering —

 

lt. Brack

Oh my god, you want to join us.

 

Houlihan

Yes, I do! I do!

Lt. Brack

 

Well . . .

 

Houlihan

You think it would be awkward, don’t you? Me, your superior officer fraternizing with with the rank and file . . .  

 

LT. Brack

No. It’s just that.  Well the dance we’re performing. . .

 

 

Houlihan

What?

 

LT. Brack

Well . . . it’s a little risqué.

 

Houlihan smiles.

 

int. Messhall — night

 

Trapper and Radar are sitting at a table. Trapper is knitting. Hawkeye sits down with a glum expression on his face.

 

hawkeye

What the hell are you knitting?

 

Trapper

It’s a surprise.

 

 

hawkeye

I could use a surprise. What day is it?

 

Trapper

Friday.

 

Radar

No, sir. It’s a Saturday.

 

Hawkeye rolls his eyes and opens an MRE, closes his eyes and takes sniffs.

 

hawkeye

Let me see . . . rotting, Chinese dry wall served on a bed of cowhide.  Pinto beans sautéed in ear wax and wildebeest musk oils. Devine. Oh, wait for it. Wait for it. and, and . . . this must be last week’s anchovies on a bed of singed hair, smothered in 7-11 cheese. 

 

Trapper

It’s post roast. I can see this place starting to get to you.  

 

Hawkeye

That’s an understatement if I ever heard one. Would you ask a purebred bull if he’s horny? A man on fire if he’s thirsty? A sphincter to contract?  

 

trapper

Ok, ok. Easy does it. Did you miss happy hour?

 

Hawkeye

No. Never. But I need real food! Auntie Tanya’s collard greens, my sister’s sweet potato pie, or, yes, yes, I can smell it. . . Uncle Ronnie’s, spitfire roasted chicken. It’s making my olfactory epithelium quiver.   

 

radar

Mine too, sir.

 

Trapper

Well, I want a pony. You don’t see me gripping about it.

 

hawKeye

Don’t you understand? Humans evolved to experience different flavors. It’s emotional! My taste buds crying out! They are seeing in black and white. They’re all alone at the prom, naked without a breeze.

Trapper

You should write some of those florid metaphors down on a piece of paper and then burn them.

 

radar

Say, sirs. I know where to get some chicken.

 

Hawkeye and Trapper drop their forks.

 

Ext. Storage yard – night

 

Hawkeye, Radar and Trapper are looking through wooden crates with flashlights. Hawkeye opens a box and pulls out a velvet picture of dogs playing poker.   

 

Hawkeye

Radar, what is all this crap.

 

radar

Booty, sir. It all came from Saddam’s places.

 

Trapper Pulls out a pair of leather riding chaps, stuffs them up her shirt. Hawkeye finds a set of African spears and a chief’s headband.

 

hawkeye

That’s all fine and well —but what does that have to do with . . . (he looks into a crate and sees roosters) chicken? Wait . . .  I think I found our friends.

 

Trapper and Radar join him.

 

Trapper

What are these doing here?

 

Radar

I think they were his fighting cocks.

 

Trapper

What a sadistic bastard. Caging animals like that, making them fight for entertainment.  Say, I think I remember how to kill ‘em.  What you do is grab ‘em by the neck and ring it, like this. Eviscerate their organs, and then you soak ‘em hot water to get rid of the feathers. Yeah, they just pop right off.   

 

Radar and Hawkeye look at Trapper in disbelief.

 

ext. STORAGE YARD –NIGHT

A Campfire is lit in the center of the yard with chicken roasting. The three all are eating and drinking martinis. Trapper has on her new ridding chaps and Hawkeye an expensive smoking jacket and has on his new headband with spears near by. Radar is wearing an Iraqi general’s hat. 

 

Trapper

I don’t think I’ve ever eaten so much cock. Not in my whole life.

 

Hawkeye

Best cock I ever had.

 

Trapper

Delicious. I can’t wait to shove another in mouth.

 

hawkeye

I like how I can hold it with thumb and forefinger —and keep my pinky up —like this.

 

Hawkeye takes a bite.

 

trapper

I only had cock once before, I was experimenting. It was prom night.  This is much better.

 

 

Hawkeye

Radar, how’s that cock?  

 

Radar

It’s good, sir.

 

hawkeye

Can you elaborate?

 

Radar

No, sir.

 

Hawkeye

Corporal, I order you to elaborate.

 

Radar

It’s very juicy and tender sir.

 

 

Hawkeye and Trapper laugh.

 

ext. Camp – Day

 

Radar’s voice is heard over a loud speaker.

 

Radar

(VOICE OVER) Announcements, Sunday, August 17th 2003. Today’s sermon, “Bad-Ass Bible Quotes”, in the chapel beginning at Oh-nine hundred-hours.

 

 

Different shots of the camp, busy with chores followed by an exterior view of father Mulcahy’s chapel follows.  

 

radar

A general order to conserve water is still in effect. Until further notice, showers are prohibited.  

 

CUT TO: Burns in shower with two shower heads spraying water on him.

radar

(Cont.) Remember, water is life. Well, duh. All life on earth uses water as a mean of nutrient transport and waste exchange. Except in X-Men, series nine, January. There was this mutant named Cosmos who used sulfuric acid as blood. He had a rock mind and used comet dust to attain amino acids.

 

 

Blake

Radar.

 

Radar

(Cont.) Oh, sorry sir.

Remember, all paying recruits can receive galvanized dog-tags with diamond encrusted bling. See private Rizzo behind the officers club. Notice: There is an opening in the Signal Corps for private first class or below. The motto of the signal corps is “you can talk about us, but you can’t talk without us.”  I made that up, sir.

 

Blake

Hey, I like that Radar.  

 

      RADAR

Thank you, sir. Remember, tonight is the first annual, and, dependant on the war and stuff, if we’re lucky, the last annual 4077th talent show. Be there, have fun, relax, that’s an order. That is all.

 

 

INT. Chapel — Day

 

Father Mulcahy is behind a pulpit. Service men and women are sitting in the pews. Some of the men are wearing shirts that say “It’s a Holy War, Bitch”.

 

Mulcahy

Greetings faithful. In an attempt to bring in more of you, I have selected some rather

. . . indecorous quotes from the bible. The first, you may recognize, comes from Exodus, 2:11-12.  One day, after Moses had grown up, he went his people and watched them at their hard labor. There, he witnessed an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his own people. Glancing blow after glancing blow, this way and that. And seeing no one, he killed the Egyptian and hid him in the sand.

 

Some of the parishioners cheer.

 

 mulchay

And the second comes from 2 Kings.  Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

 

Burns rubs his bandaged head with his good arm, nodding his head in agreement. More of the parishioners cheer, some of them laugh. 

 

 

MULCHAY

Here’s one from Ezekiel 23:30.  Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

 

Houlihan squirms in her pew, not making eye contact with Burns. She looks at Hawkeye, who smiles and waves and makes a humping motion with his hips.  

 

Mulchay

And this from Nahum 1:2-8. The LORD is a jealous God, filled with vengeance and wrath.  He takes revenge on all who oppose him and furiously destroys his enemies!  The LORD is slow to get angry, but his power is great, and he never lets the guilty go unpunished.  He displays his power in the whirlwind and the storm.  The billowing clouds are the dust beneath his feet.  Who can stand before his fierce anger?  Who can survive his burning fury?  His rage blazes forth like fire, and the mountains crumble to dust in his presence. He sweeps away his enemies in an overwhelming flood.  He pursues his foes into the darkness of night.

 

The parishioners stand up and cheer. Mulcahy stares them back into their seats.  

 

MulcAhy

People, I choose these quotes for you today to bring attention to a matter of grave concern. It has been made known to me that some of you have been wearing a most despicable shirt, with a most heinous saying on it. Some of you are wearing them in this very place of worship.

 

I man covers his shirt.

 

MulcAhy

Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, it is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.  People, rest assured, the war we are in is not of the lord’s doing —the prince of peace, the son of god. Make no mistake. This war —and all wars before it are entirely the making of men, like you, and me, with flesh and blood, and need I remind you all . . . tears. Many, many, tears. So this Sunday, I say this as a man who will take responsibility, and as a man who is disciple of Jesus. (Takes a long breath)If I see one more of those vicious shirts on a soldier, a soldier who represents a country who’s very foundation is built upon liberty, freedom from religious persecution, and the separation of church and state — I will personally take my vengeances upon you —as a captain in this army, as a citizen of these United States and as a member of humanity at large. I will punish you with all the power that God and the president and the citizens of my planet have given me. And then, in heaven or hell, we will both answer to God’s wrath together. Now, let us pray.

 

Hawkeye

Amen.     

 

int. Empty room –day –Establishing

Klinger is praying, alone. In the distance, outside the walls to the camp, the Muslim call to prayer can be heard. Camera zooms out, finds a Minaret, and another, and another. The call to prayer becomes louder and louder. The scene changes from mosque to mosques with thousands of people praying. Shot ends with Klinger, praying alone --the distant call to prayer once again becoming faint and distant. 

INT. Storage Room – Day

 

Freedman and the Lieutenant are situated opposite one another. The lieutenant is in a wheelchair.

 

Freedman

Let’s begin, shall we?

Lieutenate

Here? In a storage room?

Freedman

I can’t think of a better place, can you? Theses walls and shelves are a metaphor. They can only hold so much material.

 

lieutenate

It’s a mess.

Freedman

Yes, whoever is in charge of organizing this area isn’t concerned with an effective means of systematizes it, are they? The room has its utilitarian purpose, but only if they took the time.

 

Lieutenate

Well, maybe they don’t have time, doc. I mean, haven’t you heard? There’s a war going on.

 

Freedman

In times of stress, people act out of necessity. Frivolous processing is not the problem. The soldiers who thought-out this room may not have had the time, but, wouldn’t you think, during a war, it would be the perfect time to keep organized?

 

Lieutenate.

Sure. I get your point, doc. Where do we start?

 

Freedman

Well, first, I think we should begin by organizing this room, don’t you?

 

Freedman tosses him a roll of toilet lying on the floor. The lieutenant catches it.

 

Lieutenate

Say, doc. My arm. It feels better.  

 

Freedman

I positive start.

 

Ext. Behind The Swamp –day

 

Trapper and Hawkeye are throwing spears at a target.

 

Hawkeye

How much longer can we keep him on Midazolam?

 

Trapper

You mean until we make him a vegetable?

 

Hawkeye

(Throws spear) Yeah.

 

trapper

Another 12 hours, max. After that he builds immunity and we have to start increasing the dose. Everybody responds differently.

 

hawkeye

Let me ask you something. (Throws another spear) Would you rather risk being a vegetable or in the hands of Flagg?

 

trapper

That depends —do I get a cool chair and a cool voice box like the Stephen Hawking?

 

Hawkeye

Sure, and an espresso machine attached to it. 

 

trapper

(Takes spear) My turn. (Throws spear). I’d take the risk. Better a vegetable than dead meat.

 

 

Burns walks by and notices what they are doing.

 

Burns

           What are you doing?

 

Hawkeye

What does it look like we’re doing? We’re chucking spears!

   

BUrns

Chucking Spears?! On an army base? With service men and woman in the vicinity?

 

trapper

Here, Major. You can throw one. Opps, sorry. I heard you were attacked by insurgence. 

 

Hawkeye throws a spear.

 

BURNS

Have you lost your mind? Are you insane?

 

Hawkeye

I’m just holdin’ on to my sanity by going a little insane, here Frank.

 

BURNS

This is a safety issue, Captain Pierce.

 

Trapper

Ok, fine then. We’re not chucking spears. We’re, um let’s see, We’re chucking something harmless, like, rainbows. Would that be ok? I’m a rainbow chucker!

 

Burns

You are a spear chucker!

 

hawkeye

She’s a rainbow chucker.

 

burns

Spear Chucker!

 

Trapper

Rainbow Chucker!

 

Trapper throws the last spear, just as CAPTAIN JONES, an African American man walks by.

 

burns

 

Spear Chucker! Spear Chucker! Spear Chucker! Spear Chucker!  

 

Captain Jones stops, face to face with Burns.

 

Burns

(Cont.) Captain Jones, hello. I’m talking to Captain’s Pierce and Trapper.

 

Hawkeye and Trapper have disappeared.

 

 

Burns

(Cont.) They were here. And they were breaking regulations by hurling these spears —well, there were spears here a moment ago, I can assure you. 

 

Captain Jones

I’m reporting your ass, Major.

   

burns

Yes, you should.

 

 

Int. Post Op. Evening – establishing

 

Flagg is sitting next to Victim #1 with a scowl on his face. He is singing a lullaby.

 

flagg

Wake up, you Al Qaida, bomb monkey.

 

He takes the back of his pistol and taps the patient on the forehead.

 

FLAGG

Wake up, you Al Qaida, bomb monkey.

 

Flagg takes the back of his pistol and taps the patient on the forehead.

 

FLAGG

You and me, we have things to talk about. I don’t have a lot of time, so I’ll get right to the point. (He taps him on the head again). The conversation is going to go like this, I’m going to ask you your name, and you’ll say Mohammed. I’ll say there’s a million, freaking Mohammeds and then I’ll take you for a little swim. You’ll say Mohammed Abu Bakr, or Mohammed or Najm al Din, or Mohammed something I don’t give a shit about pronouncing correctly, and then, I take you for a swim. Then I’m going to ask you who was responsible for the attack the January attack on ambassador’s Hass’s motorcade, killing three of his aids and two soldiers, destroying one RG-31 Charger class armored vehicle and damaging two M1097 class Humvees belonging tothe 3rd Armored Cavalry, 2nd Squadron and therefore belonging to Uncle Sam.      

 

Victim #1 just lays there. Flagg continues talking.

 

FLAGG

You’re going admit that that you are a known associate of said individuals, and confess to perpetrating the crimes I have described.  If you don’t remember that last part there,  we’ll have some time for you to learn it backward and forward, just to be sure that you get it straight when you go in front of the camera.  I'll take You for another swim --to cool you off from all that hard work. And when you’re done, we’ll clean you up, give you a nice shave and record your confession – as evidence against you, before a military tribunal, that will be very interested in showing your confession to your insurgent friends, to show them what happens when they fuck with Uncle Sam. What’s that? You’re not an insurgent? Do you really think that’s going keep a guy like me from doing his job?    

 

 

Flagg leaves the room.

 

EXT. ARMY CAMP – NIGHT

The camp is settling down for evening activities. People are laughing in the officer’s club. Trucks are passing.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. BARRACKS - NIGHT

Flagg enters Barracks, staring people down. With a tiny flashlight, he approaches the bottom bunk of PVT #5’s face and rips the sheet off. 

 

Flagg

Get up. The general needs to make a phone call. 

 

Holds tosses his cell phone at him.

 

Ext. outside of terrorist headquarters –day - Establishing

 

A Young Arab man is sitting on a corner, alone. He has a dirty bandage on his head and he asks people passing by for money or food. One of the terrorist from earlier (who were working on the bomb) approaches the boy.

 

Insurgent #1

Boy, what happened to your head?

 

Arab boy makes a motion with his hand falling from the sky like a bomb.

 

Insurgent #1

Why are you begging on the street like a dog?  

 

Young Arab Man

There is no food where I am from.

 

Insurgent #1

What about your family?

 

 

Young Arab Man

There is no family, either.

 

Insurgent digs in pocket and gives boy a snack.

 

Insurgent #1

When Sadam was in charge, he did not like us Muslims, but we had our families and we were never hungry. We had dignity, and privacy, so long as we stayed in our place. Now so many of us are dead, broken, and hungry.

 

He gives the boy more food, an apple.

   

Insurgent #1

(Cont.)You are too young to be hungry, to live so close to death without a knowing the pleasures of life. Praise Allah, there is a better place waiting for us –in heaven, where you can taste all that has been taken from you again, sweet on the vine. Why I’ll bet you’ve never even known the pleasures that a woman can bring. In heaven, virgins await you. Pleasures that are reserved only for martyrs. Martyrs who want to avenge their family, and be with them again, in haven.

 

 

Young Arab Man gives apple back to Insurgent #1.

 

  Young Arab Man

I am not interested in death. There are too many things I still want to taste. I will avenge my family by having children of my own, who will not be hungry or interested in the anger of their father.

 

A helicopter flies by, low to the ground. Hovers over a building and fires rounds into a building. People run for cover. It finishes its business and then disappears.

 

Young Arab Man #2

Don’t worry. Before the Americans leave, there will be plenty of martyrs willing to your apples.

 

The young man leaves insurgent #1 on the corner, alone holding his apple. 

 

Int. Storrage Room –day

 

The Lieutenant and Freedman are still in session, putting away supplies. 

 

Freedman

Children?

Lieutenant

Three.

Freedman

Names?

Lieutenant

Rebecca, Kyle and Trevor.

 

Freedman

You have enough to be a tribe. How old is your oldest?

 

Lieutenant

That would be Rebecca. A blossoming thirteen year old. She wants to be a doctor, a lawyer and an actress.

 

Freedman

I’m envious of her energy.

 

Lieutenant

I never thought I’d be good father, but, the way I see it, I don’t have a choice.

 

  Freedman

We all have choices –being a parent is the most serious commitment a man and a woman can make.

 

Lieutenant

Not everyone takes it so serious, doc. My old man left me when I was a boy. Showed up one day and told my mother and me that he wasn’t cut out for being a parent. What a coward.

 

 Freedman

And you don’t respect his decision?

 

Lieutenant

Are you kidding me doc? What kind of man leaves his child?

 

Freedman

A selfish one –or, an extremely aware one? Did he have any problems with drugs or alcohol? Was he abusive?   

 

Lieutenant

All of the above.

 

Freedman

He abandoned you and your mother, because he distained himself, not you.

 

Lieutenant

I know what you’re getting at doc. I suppose now that I’m a man, I’m glad he left. He was a despicable person, the way I see it, he did us both a favor. But, still, when I was a boy, couldn’t help thinking it was something I did.

 

Freedman

That’s a common response in your case. Are you still estranged?

 

Lieutenant

Next time I saw him he was in a casket. By the age of fifty-four, he died of liver disease. A coroner showed up on the base one day, with pictures.   

 

Freedman

It must have been hard when you realized that you’d never be able to reconcile your relationship.

 

Lieutenant

There was no relationship to reconcile, doc. No. It was a relief. I was glad he was gone. There was no chance of him showing up out of the blue expecting a son to take care of him, listen to his crazy-assed excuses about why he left and how sorry he was. I never wanted set eyes on him again, not after I begged him to stay, wrote letters for him to come home, take me camping, fishing. I will never forgive him for not being there when my mother had to confront bullies, teach me how to fight, take to the store to by an athletic supporter or, or help me take care of her when she was dying on hospital bed, shivering like a sick kitten.   

 

 

Freedman is silent.

 

Lieutenant

Yeah, you got me there, doc. You’re right. I try to be a good dad cause I never had one.  I admit it. I knocked Dora up before we were married. Sure, I blame my old man for that too. He should have taught me how to use protection. I Didn’t really know any better, but I stayed in community college, worked two jobs and stayed faithful to Dora. I didn’t leave. And you know what? Now I know that if he had been around for all those things, I wouldn’t have the tribe that I have. Hell, maybe I’d be some stock broker with kids from a Jay Crew commercial who hated me because I made go to boarding school. Are we done, sir? Is that what you want me to admit?

 

Freedman

No. I want you to admit your deepest fear.

 

Lieutenant

I’ve seen a lot of bullshit out here. There isn’t much I’m afraid of.

Freedman

It’s obvious now, lieutenant.

You fear that if you die here, your children will hate you the same way you hated your father.

 

 

 Lieutenant

I take care of by children. They will never hate me.

 

Freedman

How long have you been on deployment?

Lieutenant

You have my file, look it up.

 

Freedman

Is that why you sent sergeant Kaisaki to inspect that vehicle? Is that why you sent him to his death --because you were afraid of abandoning your children?   

 

Lieutenant

This is over doc. Go to hell.

 

The Lieutenant begins to roll himself out of the room; Freedman puts his foot in front of the wheel, abruptly stopping him.

 

  Freedman

No lieutenant. Your treatment has just begun.

 

 

Ext. Army Camp –Night

Moon is setting over base. Camera wanders into Houlihan’s quarters.

Int. Houlihan’s quarters –night

Houlihan and Burns are having dinner by candle light.

 

Houlihan

Frank, the candlelight makes your dimple look like its winking at me.

 

Burns

Thank you Margaret. It’s my grandfather’s chin. MacArthur liked it and made him a colonel.

 

Houlihan

It’s a wonderful chin. I think I’ll put my finger in it, or better yet, my tongue.

 

Burns doesn’t laugh or take the bait.

 

Houlihan

What’s wrong Frank?

 

Burns

Oh, nothing. Well, since you asked, it’s Louise. 

 

Houlihan

Oh, Christ, Frank. Why are you bringing her up right now?

 

Burns

When I told her about my arm, she was so concerned that she bought a ticket to Qatar.

 

Houihan

She what? 

Burns

She wanted to visit me, give me some TLC but I told her that I was getting plenty of that here –which of course she took to mean that I was having another affair.

 

Houlihan

Another affair? 

 

Burns

Well, Margaret. We’re only human.

 

Houlihan

Frank, you scoundrel.

 

Houlihan starts to kiss him madly.

 

Burns

I told her that my injuries have made me permanently impotent, you know, so that I’d never have to climb back on her after she’s been drinking white wine. 

 

Houlihan

She must be worth a lot of money.

 

Houlihan unzips Burn’s pants.

 

Burns

She’s filthy rich. Her father owns a crap-load of Enron stock. All I have to do is hold on to those love handles two more years and our assets become common law.

 

Houlihan

Um, Frank. Is there a problem?

 

Burns

That’s what I was trying to tell you. I think I psyched myself out. I haven’t been able to, well, you know.

 

Burns Salutes. Houlihan gets up and rushes him to the door.  

 

Burns

Wait, wait. Let’s keep talking about money. I think I felt something.

 

Houlihan

Out!

 

Post op –night

Trapper is looking after the wounded Lieutenant.

 

Trapper

How’s your therapy going, soldier?

 

Lieutenant

I’d rather be digging for landmines.  

 

Trapper

They’re not coming out any other way. You stick to your therapy –it’s the only way you’ll leave this war a whole person.

Lieutenate

Yes, sir.

 

Trapper moves to check on the Arab patient, who he discoverers is missing. 

 

Trapper

(To MP) Where the hell is my patient?

MP #3

Colonel Flagg took him, sir.

 

Trapper

Under whose orders?

 

MP #3

Colonel Blake’s, sir.

 

Int. The Swamp – night

Burns is looking down his pants, talking.

 

Burns

Treasury bills, Corporate bonds, S and P 500, NASDAQ, Capital gains . . .  

 

Trapper barges in.

Trapper

What the hell are you doing?

 

Burns is startled.

Burns

None of your beeswax!

 

trapper

Where’s Hawk?

 

Burns

I don’t know –for Christ-sake, don’t you knock?

 

INT. storrage room –night

Hawkeye and Houlihan are having sex. Trapper appears out of nowhere.

 

Trapper

Say, ah, Doctor. You better put that hypodermic needle away.  

 

Int. Blake’s office – night

Blake is sitting at his desk, on the phone. Hawkeye and Trapper barge in. Flagg is standing behind Blake with a confident smile.

 

Blake

Yes general. I see. Yes sir. I understand. No sir, there will not be any more problems. Good bye sir.

 

Blake hangs up phone.

 

Hawkeye

Henry, what the hell is going on?

Flagg

Midazolam. The game is up, gents. I found out that you were using a drug not commonly used for the type of trauma you were treating, in fact, it is recommended that Midazolam is not used.

 

Trapper

How do you know that? You’re not a doctor.

 

Flagg

The internet. (He opens and closes a cell phone.)

 

Hawkeye

Listen you spook –

 

Flagg

Go ahead captain. Hit me. I’d like that very much.

 

Trapper

Can you take both of us?

 

Blake

Knock it off you hot heads! Or I’ll have all of you thrown in the brig.

 

hawkeye

Colonel. You can’t let this ghoul make off with one of our patients. 

 

Blake

Like hell I can’t. This is my base.

hawkeye

This is your hospital.

 

Blake

In a war zone, Pierce.

 

hawkeye

Then I’ll go over your goddamn head. (To Radar in other room) Radar, get General Engelhardt on the phone.

 

 

Blake

Belay that order, corporal.

 

 

hawkeye

Fine, I’ll do it myself.

 

Blake

That was him on the phone. The order has been given. 

 

Hawkeye

Do you have any idea what this man is going to do to that boy?  

 

flagg

My job.

 

Hawkeye

That’s what the clergy said during the inquisition. That’s what Pol said to Pot, Khmer said to the Rouge, Stalin to Grad. Can’t you see beyond your immediate need to masturbate with thumbscrews, you’re pissing these people off? Can’t you see that when you whisk them away to secret prisons, you’re creating more terrorist?   

 

Flagg

There are no secret prisons.

 

Hawkeye

Like hell. What about Abu grab?

 

Flagg stands straight.

 

hawkeye

You don’t think we know?  You don’t think that if two goofy doctors know about your secret play dungeon, that the people of this city don’t know? We had a chance to do something here –something amazing. We could have freed a country from a tyrant without blooding our hands, without betraying our values. But smucks like you have fucked it all to hell.

 

Flagg

You watch your mouth, you bleeding heart, progressive, scum bag. I will cut off your ass cheeks and then make you to sit in a bowl of your own piss.  

 

They all look at Flagg.

 

Trapper

What the hell are you?

 

Hawkeye

Do you see who you are turning him over to? A goddamn monster.

 

Blake

That boy may look harmless, but he is a wanted.

 

Hawkeye

He’s a scapegoat. They’ll grab anybody off the streets of Bagdad to cover their ass, to make a point! That kid was trying to help people –not kill them. He’s innocent.

 

Blake

It’s not our job to determine that.

hawkeye

 

May god have mercy on your soul, Henry.

 

Blake

Are you kidding me, Pierce? Everyone knows you’re antitheists.

 

hawkeye

Then may your own conscious have mercy on you.

 

Ext. helipad –night

Hawkeye and Trapper run across base, just in time to see Arab patient lifted into helicopter. The helicopter takes off. An aerial shot of Hawkeye and Trapper grows smaller and smaller.

 

FADE IN: the sound of laughter can be heard, it grows louder and louder. The distant figures become too small to see and the image DESOLVES into a shot of the talent show.

 

INT Messhall –night

Music is playing. The crowd is jovial. The nurses are performing a risqué dance routine. Houlihan is having a blast. Klingler is the MC. He is dressed in a fabulous dress.   

 

Klinger

Wow ladies, that was really something.  And now, won’t you please welcome, your CO in a number that could use a little more energy.

 

Blake enters stage in the exact same dress as Klinger. He has a cigar in his mouth. He performs Madeline Kahn’s “I’m Tired from Mel Brookes’ Blazing Saddles (1974). Radar plays the part of the lead singing soldier. At the end, the crowd goes wild. Scene dissolves into more acts, jugglers, an army drill team and a quick cut to Burns on a stationary bike peddling and drafting with a fan on him. To demonstrate his effectiveness, there are little red ribbons taped all over his body.  

 

klinger

And now, captains Pierce and McIntyre will perform a scene from “Duck Soup”.    

 

Hawkeye and Trapper perform the famous mirror scene, played first by Grouch Marx in Duck Soup. Hawkeye is Grouch and Trapper his image. After the silliness ends, the shot DESOLVES to fancy buffet and people slow dancing on a swanky, makeshift dance floor.

 

Klinger

Alright, alright, time to slow things down a bit. This one is ladies choice, so all you ladies GI find a guy GI and give him a little action . . . on the dance floor, that is.  

    

Hawkeye looks at Houlihan and the camera blurs and sharpens on an angry looking Burns. He swoops her up onto the dance floor, leaving Trapper in Hawkeye’s view.

 

Trapper

Is he wearing a purple heart?

 

CUT TO:

Shot of Burns wearing a purple heart on his uniform.

 

Hawkeye

The nerve of that guy! Can you believe he’ll be sent to Qatar until he heals? We should all be so unlucky.

 

 

trapper

So, what’d you say, big guy? Wan’na dance.

 

Trapper holds out her arms. Hawkeye smiles and the two dance awkwardly.

 

Hawkeye

Trap, I think I’m supposed to lead.

Trapper

Just shut up and look pretty while I imagine that you’re less hairy.

 

She squeezes his ass and he makes a face.

 

 

 

The camera catches sweet moments between all of the partygoers, including Blake who is dancing with a lovely nurse, Mulcahy who is sitting at a table with a pleasant smile on his face, nurse Brack who is dancing with a little Arab boy and then the camera cut to Freedman, who is eyeing the Lieutenant in a wheel chair. The Lieutenant is by the buffet table and watching the dance with discouragement. He drops a plate of food on the fancy table and rolls out a side door. Eerie music has replaced the dance floor music. The camera pans out farther and further until the people and a mass.

 

CUT TO:

EXT. STREETS OF BAGDAD -Night

Head lights, moving fast, turning erratically. The music is haunting and fast. The car passes a guard post. Shots are fired as it speeds by.

 

CUT TO:

PARTY INTERIOR –NIGHT

Fast music is now playing and everyone is having a fun. Klinger is DJ, spinning the tunes. The lovely lady that BLAKE has met is feeding him cake.

 

CUT TO:

 

Close up of car speeding through camp. It has debrief glued all over it.

 

CUT TO:

Lieutenant sees car pass and then turn around. The driver stops, looks at a map with a flash light and then drives off again when he hears more gunfire. The lieutenant wheels himself quickly to tent where Klinger’s shadow can be seen with big headphones through the canvas.

 

Lieutenante

Get out! Get out!

 

His screams are swallowed up by the music. He looks around desperately for an extension cord, finds many but can’t find the right one. Finally, he does. He pulls. The equipment in front of Klinger falls over and music comes to a stop.

 

 Lieutenante

(Continued) Get out! Get out!

CUT TO

INT. PARTY –NIGHT

The music has stopped and people are standing around confused. They hear a voice yelling “get out, get out”.

Some start to panic and move towards the door.

 

Blake

Stay calm people. Stay Calm.

 

Hawkeye and Trapper are worried. Begin usher people out the door. Gunfire erupts. Squealing tires. A racing engine.  Camera slows. Hawkeye spots Blake. The tent is torn into. The Buffet comes crashing down. A light. The sound of an explosion.   

      

 

CUT TO:

 

A sunny day. A handsome man appears in the camera: HAWKEYE’S FATHER.

 

 

HAWKEYE’S FATHER

O.k. Peirce, you try running a post this time.

 

Kid Hawkeye

OK, Dad.

 

HAWKEYE’S FATHER

You can do it sun.

 

Kid hawkeye

Do what? Catch a ridiculous looking ball with points on it?  Why would they call it a ball and not an oval? or an irregular sphere?

 

Hawkeye’s father throws ball, Kid Hawkeye misses it, again, and again, and again.  

 

Hawkeye’s father

Come on, let’s go inside. I think it’s time to sing happy birthday.

 

A dog follows them inside.

 

INT. MANSION INTERIOR –DAY

 

Maids and servants and a nanny are singing happy birthday to Kid Hawkeye while he holds on to a guinea pig. There are no kids at the party.  He blows out the candles.

 

KiD HAWKEYE

This cake weighs more than me.

 

HawKEYE’s Father

Just blow out the candles, Benjamin.

 

He blows out ten candles.

 

CUT TO:

 

Kid Hawkeye opening a present –a football helmet. Another present is a pair of cleats. He looks disappointed. The next present is the game “Operation”.

 

 

CUT TO:

Kid Hawkeye playing the game alone. The window behind him has suns and moons passing by. A picture of a woman is on his dresser. There is guinea pig on a wheel turning and turning. The room becomes dark. He looks outside and the grown is covered with snow, put his guinea pig in the cage. Kid Hawkeye is reading a book on first aid, alone in his bed at night.  He hears an awful noise. A clatter and then squealing.  

 

CUT TO:

 

Kid-Hawkeye’s feet, tip-toeing to the window. When he sees it, he screams.

 

 Kid-Hawkeye

Samantha, no!

 

He opens a door with a dog door imbedded, runs outside, find his bloody pet.

 

CUT To:

 

Hawkeye’s father looking at his crying son.

 

HAWKEYE’S FATHER

Ben, I’m so sorry.

 

Kid-Hawkeye

Can’t we take him to the vet, dad?

 

HAWKEYE’S FATHER

I’m sorry –the weather is too bad. We’d never get him there in time.

Kid-Hawkeye

But dad –this is an emergency. He won’t make it.  He bleeding is acute, and his vitals are low.

HAWKEYE’S FATHER

Son, we’d have to risk our own lives to save him. I’m so sorry. The best we can do is to keep him comfortable –you know, let him pass. It’s natural, and he’s already lived way beyond his years. Five is very old for a guinea pig. Now let me have him. It’s time for him to go. It’s time for him to rest in peace.

 

KID-HAWKEYE

Like mother?

 

Hawkeye’s father

(pause) Yes, son.

 

CUT TO:

More of the explosion. Chaos. Noise.  Light.

 

CUT TO:

 

Kid-Hawkeye quietly sneaking through the house. He spies the dog.

 

Kid Hawkeye

Bad dog.

 

In the kitchen he collects some supplies. In the bathroom he grabs his father’s razor. He moves to a side room and finds a box and begins working on the little animal.

 

CUT TO:

Morning has come and the father his having coffee. He sees the dog, and remembers. He cautiously walks into the room where he left the animal to die and instead finds his son, asleep on the floor next to his pet, bandaged and shaved and quite active.

 

CUT TO:

 

Aftermath of explosion --Hawkeye is lying on the floor in debris. His eyes open. The noises of the wounded animal are all around him; it sounds like the suffering of his pet. Eerie music. Hawkeye stands and slowly takes in the scene. Bodies are strewn on the floor, twisted. He spots Lt. Brack. Her eyes are opened wide, motionless and dead. He spots Trapper, still in shock.

 

Hawkeye

Trapper?

 

The shock is still on Trapper’s face. He hears the gunfire and screams of her fallen comrades.

 

 

Hawkeye

(Continued) Trapper?

 

Trapper

Yeah, Hawk?

 

Hawkeye

Am I alive?

 

Army personnel rush in and begin triage. Houlihan’s voice is loud and clear.  

Trapper

Yeah, if you believe in hell.

 

Hawkeye

I think it’s time to go to work.

 

Trapper

I don’t know where to start.

 

Hawkeye

Find something bloody and put it on a stretcher.

 

They begin to help lift a few patients onto a stretcher and soon, find Blake. They are stunned by his condition. They check his vitals. Houlihan stops giving orders and approaches Hawkeye and Trapper.  

 

Houlihan

Doctors, get your asses to pre-op! That’s an order.

 

Houlihan takes over treating Blake.

 

CUT TO:

INT.Pre OP - Night

Hawkeye and Trapper are in front of a mirror washing blood off of their faces and hands. They undress down to their underwear and hurriedly help each other dress. 

INT. OR – Night

 

Hawkeye and Blake enter the operating theater together and instantly, everyone is calling their name, urgently demanding their attention and assistance. They move quickly from patient to patient, giving orders. Houlihan is close by, barking orders.

 

 

Houlihan

Where the hell is Doctor Burns?

 

Nurse RODRIGUEZ

Major, he’s injured, remembered?

 

Houlihan

He has one good arm, doesn’t he? Get his ass in here.

Nurse RODRIGUEZ

Yes ma’am!

 

Nurse Rodriguez peels off to get Burns. The OR is filled with wounded. Hawkeye has begun pulling shrapnel out of one patient after another. The camera blurs and focuses on an injury and follows Hawkeye’s procedure. He is talking his way into the body, through muscle and around bone. When he is finished, the metal hits with a clang. Suddenly, Hawkeye sees his pet guinea pig. He’s carefully shaving the animal’s belly, washing away blood and bandaging the puncture wound. Sometimes the shots are of his pet; sometimes they are the images of the wound in front of him.

 

CUT TO:

Burns enters the room OR, unsure.  

 

Hawkeye

It’s about time, goddamn you.

 

Burns

In case you haven’t noticed,

I’m injured.

 

hawkeye

In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve already amputated three arms and a leg. (He points to a bin on the floor.) Grab what you need and start fishing shrapnel. Even you couldn’t make them worse.  

 

Burns gets to work.

 

trapper

I got an opened wound, nerve damage, shattered bone. I need a photochemical, tissue bonding set, stat!

Hawkeye

(To Nurse)Belay that order. (To Trapper) Trapper, this is meatball surgery. Stabilize until we get reinforcements.

 

Houlihan

This one is going into shock.

 

Hawkeye

Get an airbag on him, keep em’ warm, get an IV in, plenty of fluids. If he doesn’t come around in five minutes, toss him out back with the rest of the corpses.

 

    Another patient is wheeled in.

 

Nurse RODRIGUEZ

Sir, this one has a major head trauma.

 

Hawkeye drops what he’s doing, steps up to new patient and discoverers that it’s Blake.

 

Blake

(Groggy) Remember what I said about the rules of war, soldier?

 

Hawkeye

Burns get over here. Head trauma, fractured skull, shrapnel, shit, how did we miss that? Intracranial hematoma—

 

 

   Burns

You don’t expect me to do brain surgery do you?

 

Hawkeye

No, I expect you to get on your knees and pray for him. 

 

Burns

You’re mad.

 

Houlihan

He’s right, Pierce. He’s right handle. You have to do it.

 

Hawkeye

I’m not a neurosurgeon.

 

Houlihan

Frank will instruct you.

 

Hawkeye

Like hell.

 

 Blake

I think I’m going to need a drink, because you two aren’t instilling me with a very good sense of confidence. 

Houlihan

(To Hawkeye) That’s a god damned order, soldier. Now make yourself Frank’s bitch before I make you mine.

 

Hawkeye and Burns look at each other with extreme anxiety.

 

blake

Hey, Hawk. I want you to break that bullshit rule I told you

--the one I told you in my office. Break it. Break it so that I can see just one more of my son’s football games. Just one more. Break it for me, please Hawk? Will you do that me?

 

Hawkeye puts the mask over Blake’s face and puts him under.

 

Hawkeye

No promises.

 

CUT TO:

 

The camera travels down into Blake’s head; you can hear Hawkeye and Burn’s heated discussion.  Blood is flowing chaotically over brain tissue.

 

Burns

(Voice Over)

Suction!

 

Hawkeye

Right, ok. Here? Or Here?

BURNs

No, there.

hawkeye

Ok, Ok, I got it.

 

Burns

Yes, good. We have to find the source of that bleeding and shut it down. What a mess. It's a busted artery in someplace in the cortex, causing localized bleeding in the surrounding tissues.

 

Hawkeye

Are you kidding me, Frank. I’m not a noob. Just tell me where the hell I am and what not to touch.

Burns

It looks worse than a concussion wound, look for shrapnel.

 

Hawkeye

Christ, he’s bleeding all over in here, I can’t see a thing.

 

Burns

(To Nurse) More suction, soldier.

 

Camera cuts to Rodriquez, who sucks up more blood. Blake starts to shake and then suddenly stops. Hawkeye and Burns look over their masks at one another. Hawkeye has his big, surgical magnifying goggles on. When the shaking stops, they go back to work.     

 

 hawkeye

I found something—a piece of metal, should I remove it?

 

burns

No. first we need to secure the artery on both sides.

 

Hawkeye

That will kill half of his fucking brain. He has kids –he’d never recognize again.  

Burns

Better half than no brain at all.

 

Hawkeye

That’s easy for you to say, you’ve been living with a hemisectomy your entire life.

 

Holihan

Get your shit together, doctors.

 

An alarm goes off.

Rodriguez

His vital are dropping.

 

Burns

The swelling is affecting his brainstem –for Christsakes, get it out!  That’s an order, Captain.

 

Hawkeye

Sorry Henry.

 

Hawkeye pulls the piece of shrapnel from the wound. The camera dives in and a blood flows everywhere again, down into Blake’s brain stem. Electrical signals begin to fire erratically.

 

Rodriguez

There goes the old man’s heart...

 

Burns

Cerebral edema! Too much swelling. Get a drill and relive the pressure.

 

Hawkeye

Rodriguez!

Rodriguez instantly opens a drawer and produces a surgical drill. Hawkeye fires it up and starts cutting away bone.

 

Burns

The hematoma is too deep –maybe the corpus Christy. Start cutting until you see white matter.  

Hawkeye

How the hell do you do this? It’s like operating on pudding.

 

Rodriguez

He’s not breathing, captain. No pulse.

Burns

Try entering through the frontal lobe.

Trapper

(From another table) He’ll have nothing left.

 

Rodriguez

He’s flat lined, sir. Code blue. 

 

Hawkeye grabs a defibrillator and zaps Blake two times.

 

BURNS

It’s over, Pierce.

 

Hawkeye hits him again. He starts massaging his heart, pumping it through his rib cage. He gets tired. Slows. Stops.

 

Trapper

It’s over, Hawk.

 

Hawkeye

Like hell.

 

Hawkeye takes the drill and saws into Blake’s chest.

 

Burns

What the hell are you doing?

 

Hawkeye

I’m cracking his ribcage –what does it look like I’m doing? 

 

Burns

You imbecile –his heart needs a brain work.

 

Hawkeye

(Doing his grizzly work) Not true! It was believed by Aristotle and Diodes that the center of a man’s consciousness was in the heart! His vital activities! His sprit! They were the first physicians. They gave us the Hippocratic Oath –and what have you done for medicine, Frank? I mean besides pay for the braces of little girls of whose parents were malpractice lawyers.

 

Hawkeye reaches into Blake’s chest, pulls out his heart and starts pumping it with his hands.  

 

Hawkeye

No! This man lives tonight. Do you hear me? No more death. No more. Don’t you see? We’re used to it now, starting to acquire a taste for it –like the salt in our own tears, we’re starting to like it, we’re starting to need it. No. Tonight, we have to stand up to death, look it in the eye and tell it to fuck right off and die.

 

A nurse in scrubs starts to cry. Trapper is shaking her head.

 

Houlihan

It’s over captain.

 

Hawkeye

Shut up, Margret!

 

Houlihan

No, you shut up! There are other patients that need your care. Some of them are fathers, just like the colonel. Now pull yourself away from that corpse and find soul to save.

 

Trapper comes over and eases Hawkeye down. She pats him on the shoulder.

 

Trapper

The major’s right, Hawk. You’re going macabre on us, partner. Now get yourself together. This isn’t about you, is it?  

 

Hawkeye backs off Blake’s bloody body, staring at his bloody hands. The camera blurs. Suddenly, he’s a child again, holding his a little box. There is no snow on the ground. It’s summer. He is crying. His father is talking to him.

 

HAWEYE’S FATHER

(Voice over)Try not to take it too hard pal. These things are so fragile, barely worth the trouble of saving them. There are so many and after all, they are so easy to replace.   

 

Together, father and so son throw dirt in a hole and bury the little box. The camera cuts to a big coffin in a hole. Family are standing around crying. The father is in a black suit and there is a minister praying. Hawkeye looks over the whole he’s just put dirt in and slowly, the casket opens and a beautiful woman rises out. It is the same woman as the framed pictured in his room.  He takes a step back.

 

CUT TO:

Hawkeye in scrubs, sleeping in a chair.  He wakes up, stares into the distance. The world speeds by him. Patients roll in on stretchers, roll out. He gets up, operates, sleeps again in a chair, operates, sleeps. . . The sun comes up over the camp and the damage to the base can be seen in full. Army personnel in white biohazard suits have begun are digging through the debris. Hillary Nimitz can be heard as a voice over.

 

Nimitz

It’s been two days since the Green Zone was attacked by insurgence forces, leaving a trail of death and sadness its wake. This was an organized assault, a blast that killed nine and wounded dozens more. As awful as this attack was, in actuality, a major catastrophe was averted. Just seconds before the explosive was set off, a lieutenant alerted personnel to a suspicious vehicle, giving many a chance to evacuate the facilities. Ironic enough, a combat support hospital was nearby and is being credited for saving many lives. But, they too, felt the sting and loss of death and as their commanding officer Colonel Henry Braymore Blake of Chicago Illinois, and medical specialist Lt. Delphinine Brack of Atlanta fell in the attack.  As of yet, there are no solid leads as to who perpetrated the assault, or even if the attackers were connected to insurgent jihadist, known to be operating in the area. Investigators are now describing the vehicle which carried out the attack as similar to recent bombings in the area, including the attack on ambassador Hass in January. The blast took place as army personnel in the Green Zone were taking in some much needed R and R during a social event, a talent show, dinner and dance. The party is over. Tonight, and indeed, perhaps into the foreseeable future, the Green Zone has been put on high alert.   

 

During the voice over, scenes of Radar is in Blake’s quarters, packing up some of Blake’s belongings, a Nurse is doing the same for Lt. Brack. A few men walk by Klinger. One of them men eyes him suspiciously. Flagg is seen digging through the bomb blast. Trapper steals a purple heart medal from Burn’s uniform while he sleeps and then the camera follows him as he pins it to the wounded lieutenant. Mulchay is consoling people in the chapel. Hawkeye is dressing in the mirror with a distant stare on his face. He puts on his military dress uniform. Sad music fades in.

 

CUT TO:

 

Blake’s body is being rolled out on a slab in the morgue. Lt. Brack’s body is next. The army coroners begin preparing the bodies for transport, injecting them with fluid, shaping the expression on their faces and dressing them in their military dress uniforms. The camera cuts back and forth to Hawkeye in the mirror, still dressing.

  

Cut TO:

 

EXT. bagdad airport – day

 

A military drill team is performing a routine for dead soldiers leaving the battlefield. Hawkeye, Trapper, Mulcahy and Houlihan are standing nearby, watching the caskets being slowly walked onto a C-5 Galaxy.  The drill team fires their guns. Trapper and Houlihan flinch, but Hawkeye remains motionless. The camera zooms in on his face.

 

INT. Officer’s Mess Hall – day

 

Camera pans away from an extreme close up of Hawkeye’s face. He is sitting at a table with food in front of him. He takes a bite chews slowly without emotion. He takes another bite. He chews slowly without emotion. Others are sitting next to him, watching the news on a television: images of bodies being pulled from the wreckage. The camera zooms in on the television screen until the grisly screen becomes pixilated and unrecognizable. Radar’s voice comes over loud speaker.

 

Radar

Attention. Attention. All Surgical Personnel, report to the operating room.

 

INT. OR. Hawkeye is operating on a man. There is little hope. Disgusted, he throws the sheet over his face and moves to another patient. The nurses are disoriented, running around and some equipment tips over. The OR is in chaos. Houlihan roars at the nurses to get themselves together. Hawkeye checks the pulse of another patient. Pulls the sheet over his head and moves on.

 

INT. Chapel – DAY

Hawkeye is sitting alone in the pews, drinking from a flask.

 

EXT. ARMY CAMP

Hawkeye is smoking a cigarette, alone. From the corner of his eye he spots a dead rat. The camera zooms inside the dead rat’s body. It’s innards are sickening, dark and broken. 

INT. Showers – Night

Hawkeye is in the shower. Trapper enters, removes clothes and showers next to him. Hawkeye is un-phased.

 

 trapper

What’s the word, Hawk?

 

Hawkeye say nothing and continues showering.

 

 Trapper

(Mocking a conversation) Me, I’m fine. Just great. Hanging in there. Thanks Buddy. Yeah, this bullshit war is hard on me, too. Thanks for asking.

 

Trapper rinses off.

 

Trapper

(Continues) You’re not god Hawkeye. In the first place, he doesn’t exist, remember? And second, you’d be awful at it. 

 

Trapper dries and leaves.

INT. the swamp – night

 

Hawkeye is starring into his Martini.   

 

radar

Sir, can I get you anything else?

 

Hawkeye is unresponsive. Radar leaves the swamp, but enters a moment later.

 

Radar

Sir, it may be insubordinate of me to say this to superior officer, but a lot of people are worried about you. I know it may be hard for you --to care about other people right now, after what you’ve been through. Colonel Blake was . . . like my favorite person in the world, well, except for you sir. But, no one can get on with this war until you get on with it –you know what I mean sir? They’re worried about you –and they can’t stop thinking about you, and it won’t be alright until you’re alright . . . 

 

Hawkeye

I felt him die.

 

Radar

Excuse me sir?

 

Hawkeye

 

I had my hand around his heart, held it like his deepest secret, like a child, and then, it shivered and . . . he was gone. Henry of Iowa. Henry the father, the dirty old man with a defective zipper and zest for blondes, the saint, sinner,

the college football team trainer who caused his team to lose a game against State when he accidentally taped the wrong leg of an injured Quarterback.

Trapper enters room, listens.

Hawkeye

(Continued)I felt him die in my hands. (He looks at his hands and sours.) Well I’m so sorry that you and the world can’t get over their pain until I deal with mine, Radar.

 

Trapper

Easy Hawk.

 

Radar

I’m sorry, sir.

 

hawekey

Listen my little naïve friend, I don’t give a damn about what people need me to do –to hell with them. In the end, they’ll get what Henry got, but first, they’ll leave here emotionally shattered, broken into pieces that will be dissolved into the homeland they are protecting like stain we can never clean. No! Don’t you do this to me!

Not you, of all people. Don’t make me responsible for the loss of hope we feel, and the sanctity of our supposed peace, isolated as we are. And the loss of life! No, not you! Not until you until you take that innocent size 29 ass of yours and put it on the same line as the soldiers we are sending into death’s embrace without really knowing why.       

 

Trapper

Captain –That’s enough!

 

Hawkeye

To hell with this place. To hell with Radar, and to hell with you Trapper.

 

 

Trapper

There is no hell, remember? If there’s no heaven, there can’t be a hell.  

 

Hawkeye

 

That’s where you’re wrong. There is a hell. It’s right here; Bagdad in January. 

 

Hawkeye takes a bottle of booze and exits the tent.

 

ext. houlihan’s quarters – night

 

Hawkeye enters Houlihan’s tent and a moment later she shoos him away.

 

hawkeye

(Singing) I’m in the mood for love… 

 

Houlihan

Hit the road, sailor. I have enough problems without you.

 

Int. Chaple - night

Mulchay is working a punching bag, hard. Hawkeye is taking, but Mulchay is only half interested. 

 

Hawkeye

I mean, what is the origin of God? Did he invent matter and energy? How could he design an open, entropic system that seems to be propelling itself into the very universe he created? If he has the power to do that, then why not blow a tire out on the car that tore into our little party last night? What could that mess possibly have accomplished? Unless he’s powerless in his own home. Then, he not a god with a capital “G” is he? Why is it anymore reasonable to believe that he simply doesn’t exist?  You know what I think, Father. I think that god with a capital g was eternally bored, so bored that he wanted to die. But you see, he's omnipotent and even he can’t kill himself. So you know what he did instead? He made to do his dirty work. He invented us to kill him.

Mulchay stops punching.

 

Mulchay

You know what the trouble is with you, Hawkeye? It’s not that you don’t believe in God. You simply don’t want him to exist. You should figure out why that is.  There’s a big difference between the two.

 

 

Ext. officer’s club – night

 

Hawkeye is sitting at the bar next to Freidman. There bar is empty.

 

friedman

You’re not the only empathetic doctor, in fact, many doctors are empathetic –people absorb the minutia of the human condition. Yet those same doctors are often lousy at diagnosing themselves. When you turn that same critical lens on yourself, you see how fragile we truly are. You, Hawkeye know better than anyone how much bullshit there is to medicine and, yes, psychology.     

 

Hawkeye

You’re telling me I’m depressed?

 

Friedman

Not only are you depressed, but you are self absorbed in that depression. You see, I’ve found that when a reflective person such as yourself is feeling existential about life, rather than let people in to help you dig out of it, they tend to find a hill and look down on the world as if it were a battleground. In effect, if you’ll allow the metaphor, you become an enemy soldier in own personal Bunker Hill.

HawkeyE

You’re right doc. (He takes a drink.) Psychology is bunch of bullshit. 

 

Hawkeye gets up to leave.

 

friedman

Just remember this, Captain Pierce. It helps me when I’m in the same fix. The eye sees the light. The light IS the eye. 

 

Hawkeye slams the door.

 

 

EXT. The Battle of Bunker Hill, 1775 – DAY

 

Hawkeye is wandering a battlefield with American revolutionary soldiers and British. He is in his modern-day uniform. At the top of the hill is a tent. The men are all fighting to capture it. Soon, Hawkeye begins to realize that all the solders are copies of him. He is nearly blown-up, and is shot at, but he makes his way to the fancy tent. Two British guards keep him from entering, but a voice inside says: “Allow him to enter”. The guards raise their weapons. Hawkeye enters the tent. Inside he finds items from his childhood, his pet guinea pig, pictures of his mother, and a book: “A Hundred Years of Solitude”. He hears noises, and spies a British General behind a curtain. The man appears; it is him, raggedy and foppish.

 

BritisH Hawkeye

Our actions are justly comparable, all the same, I fear, and doomed to fail.

 

Hawkeye

No shit, this is Bunker Hill. You were surrounded before you ever dug in.

 

Hawkeye looks at a map on the table.

 

Hawkeye

Actually, the British win this battle, but their losses are not worth the objective. They discover that the Americans are willing to die, rather than submit to tyranny.

 

British Hawkeye

In the name of his majesty, this land must be tamed, kept from a plague spread by the depraved opponents of civilization itself. 

 

Hawkeye

King George wants this country for nothing else than tea and tobacco –so many souls, lost, for what? Material.  Your war is the most destructive and horrific type of human interaction!

 

 

             BRITISH HAWKEYE

 

It is a just war, against men, who, though intended by nature to be governed, will not submit.

 

Hawkeye slaps the general.

HAWKEYE

Why do you get to decide who should be governed? You’re on this hill, surrounded by people who are fighting to the death because they do not want you here. They are hiding in trees, behind barns.

 

BRITISH HAWKEYE

Gaurds! Gaurds!

 

HAWKEYE

You tread here, and hold positions to the sea, and still they sacrifice their blood and their treasure. They do not want you here, and there will be no moral justification, what so ever that will make them submit.  

 

 

Hawkeye continues slapping the general. The guards enter and point their guns at him. He throws crazed general to the floor and waves slowly at the guards. They freeze. He looks down at the crying general, examining his pain.   

 

INT –THE SWAMP –NIGHT

Hawkeye wakes from his dream. Sits up in bed. He goes to the medicine cabinet and opens a bottle of pills and closes the mirror. He sees himself. He drops the bottle.

 

INT. THE SWAMP –MORNING

Hawkeye is in bed, sleep. The sound of a bugle playing Reveille.

 

                     The Voice of a Female

(Over loud speaker) Attention, at oh nine-hundred hours all surgical personnel report to the main yard for inspection by the new commanding officer, Colonel Sherman T. Potter.

 

Hawkeye sit’s up, looks over at radar’s empty “sleeping” chair with a teddy bear sitting on the floor. Trapper rises from her cot. 

 

Hawkey

Where’s Radar?

 

Trapper

I don’t know.

 

INT. Blake’s office – day

PVT. ALBRECHT is organizing the office. Hawkeye enters.

 

Hawkeye

Where is Corporal O'reilly? 

 

PVT. ALBRECHT

He volunteered to go out on patrol with Bravo Company early this morning, sir. 

 

 

Hawkeye

Where!

 

PVT. ALBRECHT

Nasiriyah.

 

CUT TO: Army boot starting motorcycle.

 

INT. guard Post - DAY

Hawkeye drive through guard post. The camera starts out as wide angel and the cuts to close up of his face. It follows as he rides through the streets of Bagdad until he hits the open road.

 

EXT. CAMP COURTYARD –DAY    

Potter is standing in front of his surgical team.

 

Potter

At Ease. AT Ease. I want you to know that it is with a heavy heart that I stand before today. You’ve been through hell these past couple of days, and you’re still going through it. You’re CO was a good man. I didn’t know him personally, but I know that back at army training hospital, he prepared a lot of fine doctors and nurses to do exactly what you have been doing in this unit –saves lives! We did not choose this war, it came to us. It is not a doctor’s job nor is it a nurse’s job question why men fight, but it is our job to make them whole again, send them home –except for when we cannot. That is all. Dismissed.

 

The group breaks up. Potter approaches Major Houlihan and Trapper. Houlihan hugs him.

 

Houlihan

Colonel. (She salutes a snappy salute.) It’s very good to see you again.

 

Potter

Yes, major. Just like the old days at Walter Reed. Speaking of which, where the hell is Captain Pierce?

 

Major

Sir, he went to find Radar.

 

Potter

Radar? For detecting the enemy?

 

TRAPPER

No, Sir. Radar is a person.

 

POTTER

Report them both as AWOL.

 

Houlihan

Yes, Sir.

Potter

I don’t suppose anybody knows where the hell they went?

 

PVT. ALBRECHT

 

North, sir. Nasiriyah.

 

Potter

(To PVT Albrecht) Get Engelhardt on the phone, pronto.  

 

EXT. Small town outside of Bagdad –Day

Hawkeye parks his motorcycle and approaches soldiers in a tank. They solute and he shows them a picture of himself with his arms around Radar. They point north. He fills his tank.

 

EXT. Open Road –day

Hawkeye drives into a small town, parks. He starts asking questions and people hurry away from him, close doors and window. Soon he finds an Arab man who is willing to talk to him.

 

 

Hawkeye

I’m looking for a soldier.

 

ARAB VILLAGER

There are many soldiers here.

 

Hawkeye

I’m looking for one that looks like a kid.

 

Arab Villager

You mean a goat?

 

Hawkeye

No. No. A Kid, a young man.

 

Arab VillageR

They are all young men. (He points to a disserted fortress on the hill.) Go there, you will find many young soldiers. Tell them to stay on that hill and never come down. We don’t have any oil or Big Burgers Macs, we have no need for them. Tell them to stay on that hill forever.  It is not safe for them here, and as long as they are here, it is not safe for us.

 

Hawkeye

Will do. 

 

Hawkeye gets back on his motorcycle and drives toward the abandoned fortress.

 

EXT. Potter’s office –day

Potter hangs a portrait of him as a young man on a horse behind his desk.  PVT. Albrecht opens door.

 

PVT. ALBRECHT

Sir, Majors Burns here to see you.

Potter

Thank you Pt. Albrecht. That will be all.

 

PVT. ALBRECHT

Yes, Sir.

 

He sits and begins looking through paper work. Burns enters and salutes with his one good arm. He is dressed in his dress uniform. 

 

 

 

Potter

Come in major.

 

Burns

Yes, sir.

 

Potter

All packed and ready to go, are we?

 

Burns

Yes, sir.

 

Potter

You’ll be headed states side, isn’t that right? To get back to the misses?

 

Burns

Yes, sir. She already threw be a coming home party. She didn’t want it to interfere with Yom Kippur.

 

Potter

I didn’t know you were Jewish.

BURNS

Oh, we’re not, sir. She just loves holidays. Kwanza’s right around the corner.

 

Potter

I don’t get you major.

 

Burns

She doesn’t either, sir.  

 

Potter picks up a piece of paper on his desk.

Potter

You know what else I don’t get. Why on god’s green earth you’d sign off on an order to send a patient under your care to be interrogated. You are a doctor, man.

BURNS

Well, sir.

 

potter

On November 8th, you signed an order releasing a patent to one Lt. Colonel Samuel Flagg.

 

 

Burns

I did?

 

potter

Is this your John Hancock?

 

BURNS

Oh, yes, I did. An insurgent, sir. But that order was given by Colonel Blake, sir.

 

 

Potter

I don’t know if you know this, but he’s dead, now and that means your ass is on the line.

BURNS

Sir, the order came from army intelligence, and then confirmed by the general himself.

 

Potter

Horse Hockey.

 

 

Houlihan steps into the office with some paperwork, but steps just out of view to listen to the conversation.   

 

Burns

What was that, sir?

 

Potter

Horse Hockey, major! I know the genera personally, and he would never do an end run around a surgeon, and he sure as hell wouldn’t have some Lt. Colonel doing his laundry. Transferring a patient without his doctor’s orders is against army regulation Xi321 dash 1000 stroke 121!

 

Burns

Sir, (Burn’s looks at the picture of Potter on a horse) with all due respect, that regulation is out of date. We are not officially war sir, and since this is not a real war, we don’t have to follow the all of rules exactly.

 

Potter

Bull shit major –a war without rules is Armageddon! It was your job to remind your commanding officer of that. It was your job to be his conscious, to keep him from being sloppy, to take the high ground, to keep him from turning our work into some type of freak show.

 

 

Burns

Yes, sir.

 

Potter

Major, that is why I am requesting that you do not appeal my decision to transfer you stateside. In this theater, we need men with testicles large enough to do the right thing, especially when the rules start to get bendy.  

 

It sinks in on Burns that he will not return. He picks up his bags to leave.

 

Burns

Very well, sir.  (Turns to leave.) 

 

 

Potter

Hold on there, soldier. I have not dismissed you.

 

Burns stops in his tracks, stands tall. Potter stares him down for a long, uncomfortable moment. And then, coldly dismisses him.

 

Potter

Dismissed.

 

Burn’s salutes, but potter does not return it. He leaves and Houlihan catches him in foyer.

 

Burns

Margaret, I guess this is it. Time for me to go back to being a family man.

 

Houlihan

Oh, Frank. The dimple in your chin is starting to sag.

 

She kisses him on the chin, takes a step back and gives him a stiff salute.

Houlihan

(Continued) So long, soldier.

 

Ext. Fortress –Evening, Establishing

Hawkeye drives his motorcycle into the modern remains of an ancient fortress. There are houses made of stone with decks of windows on all sides. Tanks and other military vehicles are parked in defensive formations. Soldiers are doing what they can to keep cool. Hawkeye dismounts and wanders over to a group on men.

 

Lt. #2

Hi captain, you want to get your ass shot off?

 

Hawkeye

I want to keep my ass.

 

Lt.#2

Those hills have snipers that want it, and not like Elton John wants it. 

Hawkeye

Right, right.

 

Hawkeye enters a sandbagged formation with a machinegun poking out of it. He ducts for cover.

 

Lt. #2

That’s better captain. Now what the hell are you doing here?

 

Hawkeye

I’m looking for someone –a kid, well, a man, a young man named Corporal Walter O'Reilly.

 

LT. #2

Radar?

Hawkeye

Yes. Radar.

 

Lt. #2

Captain, he’s holding down position five-Charlie. It’s too hot over there. What’s your business with him? Is he in some kind of trouble?

 

Hawkeye

Personal business, sergeant.

 

Lt. #2

Is it worth risking your life?

 

Hawkeye

I’ve come this far.

 

LT. #2

Fine. I’ll radio them and tell them you’re coming. It’s your ass. (To Private #6) Get me a radio.  How did you find us, captain? We’re detached, covert, pursuing a splinter cell run Musahih ul Hasanaat himself.

 

Hawkeye

An old man told me. It’s kind of hard to hide a tank, Sergeant. If he knows you’re here, Al Qaida does too. 

 

 

ext. Fortress –Position Five Charlie –day

Radar is embedded with a group of soldiers, chatting about home. Some of the men are spying on a group of men on the hill, moving about an old fortress. The stop and see someone coming over a hill.

 

PVT. #7

Shit, who’s that?

PVT. #8

Let me at that Osama-mutha’ fucka’.

 

PVT. #6

Take cover.

 

Radar and the other men ready their weapons.

 

PVT. #7

Lock and load.

 

Hawkeye

Radar! . . . Radar! . . .Radar!

 

Radar

Holy smokes, that’s not Osama, that’s Capn’ Pierce!

The radio on one of the soldiers erupts.

SGT. #2 (Voice On Radio)

Five Charlie, be advised, a Captain Pierce is in route with personal business for Corporal O’Riley.

 

The soldiers all look at Radar. Hawkeye comes over the hill.

 

hawkeye

Radar!

Radar

Captain Pierce!

 

The two hug.

hawkeye

Just what the hell are you trying to prove corporal?

 

Radar

Oh, yeah. I just remembered. I’m pissed as hell at you.

 

Hawkeye

This is crazy, corporal. You’re not a solider. You’re a clerk.

 

Radar

I killed a man, sir.

The other soldiers look at him confused.

 

Hawkeye

You what?

Radar

Ok, I didn’t kill anyone, but I know that I could if I had too.

The holds up gun, it slips and fires a round. The men scatter. A sergeant takes the weapon from him.

 

sGT. #2

Corporal, what did I tell you? 

 

RADAR

No bullets for me, sir.

 

SGT. #2

Give them to me, now.

 

Radar hands over bullets.

 

Hawkeye

How the hell did you get assigned to these guys?

 

Hawkeye pulls him aside.

 

Radar

I had Colonel Blake do it.

Hawkeye

You forged his signature?

Radar

Oh, it was ok when you made me do sign a requisition for ribs from St. Louis, or that pallet of coffee from Seattle, or when you had the colonel sign for that weird pump from the internet.

 

He looks at the other men. Takes radar further away.

hawkeye

Hey, hey, Radar. Those were all for comfort. But this, this is for what? Attention? Machismo? What?

 

Radar

You called me a ninny.

 

hawkeye

A ninny? I did no such thing.  What the hell is a ninny?

 

Radar

You told me to put my ass on the line. Well hell, here I am. And you know what, captain? I don’t accept it.

Hawkey

You shouldn’t.

Radar

No, not the fact that you called me a ninny. I know that. I mean, the reason you come all the way out here, to apologize. I don’t accept it.

 

 

Hawkeye

You’re not a killer. You’re a clerk. You keep these men supplied, you keep them fed. That’s just as important as what they do on the front lines. I mean, look at them. Those vest they have on, those aren’t standard issue are they.

 

 Radar

No, Sir. I got those out of Germany. I filled a Army logistics acquisition management form and then re submitted it as a standard request.

Hawkeye

A master’s stroke.

 

Radar smiles.

Radar

Yeah?

Hawkeye

Yeah.

radar

But, captain. You can’t compare what I do in the Greenzone to these guys. Or what you do in the O.R.

hawkeye

Listen Radar, I don’t need you to tell me what’s what. I’ve been around the block a few more times than you and been to a few more places. This world is filled with people who live and die for glory and sacrifice. But there is a difference between a saint and a martyr. Do you know what that is?

 

Radar

No.

 

Hawkeye

There is no such thing as a saint. And all the martyrs, died trying to live like them. You, radar, are a hero. A small, quiet, church mouse of a hero. You, with your pen, and your pad, kick in walls, put out fires, close wounds, feed and clothe, bath and heal more people than most will know in a thousand life times. And the best thing is, you do it without glory, without medals and without ego. You my friend, my no so naive, native of Iowa, you are a hero who’s sacrificed those things without being a martyr, or a saint, or worst, a fool who has no idea how what his role is in the greater good.        

 

 

 

A shot rings out. Radar’s chest explodes. He falls backwards, slamming his head against a wall. He’s unconscious. Another shot rings out. The soldiers run for cover. The camera switches to a window with a sniper. A glint of light flashes from the scope. Another shot. The soldiers return random fire.  Hawkeye is separated from Radar.  He calls his name, but no response. He tries to crawl over to him, but two more shots ring out and explode in front on him. He scatters back. Radar is bleeding from the head. Hawkeye peaks over a wall. Again, he sees the glint of light.

 

SGT. #2

Keep your ass covered, captain.

 

Hawkeye

Radar!

Radar begins to stir. His helmet falls off and the gash on his head is bleeding.

 

SGT.#2

Hold your position, captain.

 

Hawkeye

Negative, sergeant.

 

Hawkeye moves closer. Bullets follow him. He closer, but not close enough. Confused, Radar tries to stand. A bullet explodes next to him. Hawkeye sees the sniper. Jumps over a wall and races to the machine gun post and starts firing like a crazed man. The gun runs out of bullets. The turret is still hot and spinning. It goes silent. The radios can be heard.

 

Voice #1

Got that sucka’ 

Voice #2

He toast.

 

 

Hawkeye runs back to radar. He checks his head. He looks him over.

 

Sgt. #2

(To soldiers) All clear. (To Hawkeye) You nailed that bastard.

 

Hawkeye

Head trauma, basilar skull fracture maybe. No cerebral, spinal leakage. He’s ok. He’s ok. Help me lay him down. Can you get a medevac out here?

 

 

 

SGT. #2

Yes, sir.

 

 

Hawkeye lays Radar down. Erie music begins to play in the background. He stands up. Looks at the window where the sniper was firing from. He stares at the blood on his hands.

 

Hawkeye

God forgive me.

 

He starts walking toward the sniper’s position.

 

SGT. #2

What the hell are you doing, captain.

Hawkeye’s pace picks up.

 

SGT. #2

Captain, get back here.

 

From the opposite direction, gun fire erupts. The men take cover and return fire. SGT. #2 begins barking orders on radio. He looks over wall and sees Hawkeye running into building. 

 

 

Int. Abandoned building, interior -day

 

 

Eerie music continues as Hawkeye creeps through building. He hears distant voices and random gun shots and a helicopter. The walls are painted with jihadist symbols. He finds a light and follows it to a window. In a pool of light, he finds the sniper he’s shot. He moves to the man –a young man, and begins working on him. Voices in the building are louder, getting closer.

 

CUT TO:

View from sniper, looking up at Hawkeye.

 

 

Hawkeye

The bullet entered here, and left here. A flesh wound. You’re losing blood, but I stopped it. Lucky I found you after I shot you. (He tightens a bandage and lays him down.) Tell you what, I won’t send you a bill.

 

The voices are nearer now.

CUt To:

Hawkeye finishes working on the sniper. The voices are close now, very close. Hawkeye stands. A few gun shots go off and he panics and runs.  Men enter the room; they find him and beat him. One of the men (INSURGENT #2) goes over and checks on the injured insurgent.

 

FADE TO BLACK.

 

int. Potter’s Office –night

 

Potter is looking over papers on his desk. Nurse Albrecht enters.

 

Albretch

Sir, the general is on the phone. 

Potter

Thank you, Sara. Put him right through.

 

Potter picks up the phone.

 

potter

(continued) General, thanks for calling. You must be a busy man. No need to apologize. I know how it must be for you right now. I’m sure you’ve heard, we’ve got a hot headed surgeon gone AWOL. Oh? You don’t say? Captured?

 

Albrecht drops her papers and

 

potter

How about the boy he went after? Injured and en route?  Well that’s not the news I was hoping to hear, general. Uh, huh. Yeah. I see. Ok, keep us posted. Oh, general. One more thing. I have an order sighed by you two days ago --a patient release. You know anything about it? No? He was a suspected insurgent that I’m not so sure he was an insurgent. I worked with you a lot of years and I know your signature, general. I also know that you’d never pull rank on a doctor. Seems we have some spook that needs dealing. Tell Karen I said hello and I’ll hopefully I’ll see her next Christmas.

 

 

Potter hangs up phone. He looks at Albrecht.  Get Margaret in here, and trapper too. Transferred

 

Int. Insurgent compound - night

 

Hawkeye is blindfolded. Arabic voices surround him. Men take him to a vehicle and stuff him inside. 

 

Hawkeye

Driver. To the New York Metropolitan, and hurry, I’m late. There’s an extra twenty for you if you get me there on time.

 

An insurgent hits him in the face with the back of a gun.  

 

INT. Cave – night

The blindfold comes off. Hawkeye has a black eye. He is in a dark cave. One of the men starts slapping him and yelling at him. Hawkeye doesn’t understand. They put a gun in his face and taunt him.  One of the men put a black bag over his face. The camera goes black.

 

INT. POTTER’S OFFICE –NIGHT

 

Houlihan is irate. Trapper is pacing.

Houlihan

I don’t understand, colonel. They lost him?

Potter

Yes, that is correct. He was engaged in a fire fight, shot the sniper and then ran off to help him. The soldiers he was with were fired at and could not retrieve him.

trapper

Sounds like Hawk.

Houlihan

Well, what the hell was he doing out there in the first place?  How selfish –making us all so worried. Leaving us short a surgeon.

 

Trapper

He has a conscious, major. He couldn’t let Radar go to war just because he had an existential tantrum. What kind of man would he be? 

 

Potter

That’s just it, captain. He wouldn’t be a man, he’d be a soldier! And that’s his problem; he’s always been a better man than a soldier.

 

Trapper

Yes, sir.

 

pOTTER

But we don’t have time to wax philosophically. Wounded soldiers are arriving, andcorporal O’Riely is amongst them. The 4057th is under fire and, which leaves us. We’re down two surgeons and it’s my first day on the job. I need you two crack a whip and get our sorry asses off the floor so that we do what Uncle Sam hired us to do, save lives.

 

EXT. CaMP –night

Personnel are scrambling to their stations. An announcement can be heard over the loud speaker. A helicopter is landing. The camera cuts to a shot of radar lying on a stretcher. Hummvees are arriving with wounded.

 

PVT. albretch

(Over loud speaker) Attention, Attention! All medical personnel report to the O.R.  

 

INT. O.R. - Night

 

Once again the O.R. is in chaos and Houlihan is barking orders. A tray of equipment spills.

 

Houlihan

Nurse, Latosha. Release yourself. Have nurse Reed take your post.

 

Latoshia

Yes, ma’am.

 

Potter rolls his eye. Trapper is pulling shrapnel from a patient.

 

Trapper

Give her a break, Margaret. Nobody’s perfect.

 

Houlihan

Including, you captain. This is none of your business.

 

trapper

(Sarcastically) Yes, ma’am.

 

 

 

Trapper visits another table. It is Radar.

 

Trapper

Hiya, Radar. I heard you got all shot up.

 

Radar

Yes Ma’am I did. Have they found Captain Pierce?

 

Trapper

No, not yet. But they are sending Klinger to Nassarya in the morning, maybe he can help track him down.

 

Radar

I sure would feel bad if something bad happened to him –I mean, something even worse than being taken hostage.

 

Trapper

You need focus of healing, can you do that? Hawk can take care of himself.

 

Radar

I don’t think so, Ma’am. The guys tell me that the people who snatched him –they ain’t regular insurgents. 

 

trapper

Hawk’s a commodity, remember? They’ll rough him up some and then trade him for something. Probably a goat or a hookah.

 

Radar

No, Ma’am. The guys say that the insurgents in Nasiriya –well, they’re not here to negotiate, they’re here for revenge.

 

 

trapper

You’ll see him again, Radar. Let’s hope we all get to see him again, shall we?

 

Trapper nods to a nurse and she puts an antithetic mask over Radar’s face and puts him under.  

 

 

INT. Klinger’s Quarters – night

 

Klinger is sitting on his bed, reading a letter from his wife. She can be heard as he silently reads the letter.

 

Klinger’s Wife

(Voice over) Dear Maxwell, I am so very happy to hear that you were not one of the unfortunate souls that were killed in the attack on your base. When mother told me the news, I nearly passed out –not because you were nearly murdered, but because you were alive and well. In that instant, I lost you and we were reborn all at once. It is a funny thing, my love. Even though we are thousands of miles closer than Toledo, I feel that were are further apart. All this chaos and madness is between us, and yet we are less than a few hour’s drive from each other. Perhaps this is the time for you to come home to me and Ameera. This war is so stupid, and already cousins of cousins are swearing revenge on Americans for taking their loved-ones from them in attacks meant for Al Qaeda, fools they’ve never heard of before 9-ll. My love, come home to us. Face this madness with us, together, as a family. I promise things will be much better for us than in Toledo, and I’ll have fresh baklava and laban waiting for you. You’re one and only, Rashida Klinger.

 

Klinger folds letter and longingly stares at a picture of his family.

 

 

INT. Cave – night

 

Insurgents are sitting around a lavish carpet in the center of the cave, drinking tea. They are talking in Arabic. At the bottom of the screen, their words are being translated.

 

Insurgent #3

It is dangerous to hold him. The Americans are like ants, where there is one, there are many. They leave an invisible trail, they will follow it right to him, to this cave and kill us all.

 

Insurgent #4

Kill him? Don’t be a coward. There is much to be gained by keeping him alive. We can negotiate for supplies. We can use him as propaganda -- to speak to the world about our message of resistance.

 

Insurgent #3

Taking soldiers hostage and parading them like cattle? No, there is no dignity in this. We want to negotiate with politicians, not generals. The new Iraqi will not be run by a military; it will be run by suuni and shia politicians! Propaganda with hostages make us look like Al Qaida savages!

 

 

Insurgent #4

Are you saying we should release him and gain nothing? After he shot one of our men? Not even vengeance? Now that would truly make us cowards!

 

The men erupt into a loud argument. Insurgent #2 settles the matter by firing his side arm. 

 

 Insurgent #2

We will keep him until it no longer an advantage for us.  When it is clear that he is no longer beneficial, we kill at noon and leave his body in Nasyria, as a calling card of death and a sign of our resolve.

 

 

INT – Fancy Hotel Room – night

 

Hawkeye is in a fancy tuxedo, looking at himself in a full length mirror. Eerie music is playing. He steps into the mirror and his refection steps out, and stares back at him.  He steps back in and the two circle and circle each other.

 

 

INT. Cave – night

 

A side angle view of Hawkeye lying on the floor. The camera turns right side up. He has a bag over his head. Footsteps enter the room. Hands grab him. Sit him up right. The bag is removed, reviling a wild-eyed Hawkeye. They until him. There are men with guns around him.

 

Hawkeye

I know a last meal when I see one.

 

One of the men pushes a plate of awful looking food at him. Hawkeye devours it.    

 

 

EXT. Camp – day

Wide angle shot of the MASH camp. Ashley Nimitz’s is reporting. The camera finds its way to mess hall where groups of soldiers are watching the news, Houlihan, Mulchy and Trapper amongst them.   During the report, a shot of Hawkeye’s earlier interview is being played.

 

ASHLEY NIMITZ

(voice over) It’s been two days since insurgents have captured Captain Franklin Pierce, this on the heals of the devastating Friday attack that took place during a celebration. There is still no word from his captors, who are thought to have abducted him during gun fight in which, Captain Pierce, an army surgeon, was said to have run to the aid of a sniper that he himself had shot. The battle occurred in the so called “Dead Zone” of naysiria, a haven where insurgent forces rule the own the landscape. What the insurgents want or, indeed, who they are is a mystery. And so to, is the question of the whereabouts of Franklin Pierce, whether or not he’s still alive.

 

INT. Potter’s office – day

 

Potter is again, sitting behind his desk. Flagg is in the room, inspecting the various awards on Potter’s wall.

 

 

 

Potter

So, let me get this straight. Army intelligence has come up with a big, fat negative on my surgeons whereabouts.

 

Flagg

I’ve got one of those, two of those, three of those. (He looks at Potter, who is not laughing.) Affirmative. Believe me colonel, we’ve got men on it, good men, who know these bastard’s like the back of their hands. Only, these bastards are a different kind of bastard. We’re hoping that your translator will be able to scrounge up some intelligence this afternoon, when he arrives with a detachment from the 68th Special Forces Command.

 

 

Potter

I’m sure Klinger will do his best.

 

Flagg

Yes, colonel. He’s proven to be trustworthy, up to now.

 

Potter

Trustworthy. Indeed. Which brings me to the other reason I asked you here.

 

Flagg

Yes, sir.

 

Potter

 

[finals Scenes]